Tucker Carlson *Strangely Insistent* All Fox Viewers Are Domestic Terrorists!
Man, Tucker Carlson and others on Fox News are just HAMMERING this week that if you are a garden variety white Republican Fox News viewer who is pretty sure you're not a racist because you are willing to admit the rich Black families in your neighborhood keep their yards nice, you should also sympathize with terrorists. Specifically, you should sympathize with the insurrectionists who attacked the US Capitol with guns and zip ties, beating police officers with flags and baseball bats, in order to overthrow democracy for Dear Leader Trump.
Because those people? They are just like you. (Well not YOU, Wonkette reader who is smart. You, Tucker watcher, who is old dumb racist balls.)
Last night, Tucker played a clip of Democratic Senator Chris Murphy telling Anderson Cooper that the National Guard has to stay at the Capitol because "there are still existing threats, present threats" to the Capitol, and there is a chance Donald Trump will incite more attacks. Tucker responded:
TUCKER: So as long as there are people in this country who persist in disagreeing with Chris Murphy, explains Chris Murphy, we're going to need to keep thousands of heavily armed soldiers on the scene.
That is not what Chris Murphy said. You'd think Tucker's viewers might notice that since he played the clip and all, but Fox News viewers is dumb, and Tucker is a liar.
Yesterday, the Department of Homeland Security issued a rare warning that America is currently — right now! — facing a rising threat from "violent domestic extremists" for whom the Capitol attack was like a big, radicalizing bowl of Wheaties. DHS said these people might be mad about "the presidential transition, as well as other perceived grievances fueled by false narratives," and that the threat is likely to persist for a bit.
But Tucker wants his viewers to think this is about them, and not just the domestic terrorists who watch him, though he is the white supremacists' favorite darling boy. He wants the regular non-violent white Republicans who watch Fox News at night to think this is about them, too. He wants them to feel attacked when the government goes after literal actual rightwing terrorists.
TUCKER: This new version of democracy is a democracy where everyone fervently agrees with the people in power, or else they go immediately to jail.
At this point, Tucker defended Douglass Mackey, the man charged with federal voter suppression crimes for trying to convince Black voters in Michigan in 2016 that they could vote by text message. At least 4,900 voters texted that number. Donald Trump "won" Michigan by just over 10,000 votes. We guess Mackey probably does technically disagree with Chris Murphy and President Joe Biden on a lot of things, but that ain't why he's indicted.
But Tucker wants his white casserole-baking Bunco mom fans to think it is.
Tucker then played a clip from Democratic Rep. Tim Ryan, who explained the National Guard needs to stay, especially those with experience in "crowd control," until it's truly safe to conduct the people's business there.
To which Tucker replied:
TUCKER: Ohhhh! They're specialists in controlling unruly populations! We get it! Rather than answer our questions or improve our lives, you're bringing in people with guns to remind us that you are in charge, and dissent is illegal.
That is not goddamned fucking what Tim Ryan said, which, again, you'd think Fox News viewers might notice, because he played the clip. But again, his average viewer isn't bringing the double-headed dildos to the MENSA orgy, if you know what we mean.
But you see? Tucker is again saying that the National Guard protecting the Capitol FROM FUCKING TERRORISTS is tantamount to "bringing in people with guns to remind US" that they're in charge, and that dissent is illegal. Because you, Tucker viewer, are on the same side as the terrorists. Got it?
TUCKER: That's a big change. You may have thought you were a decent American in good standing.
Ten years ago, nobody in this country would have called your views extreme. They weren't extreme then. You don't think they're extreme now. You've always considered yourself a pretty moderate person. Live your life and get along with others. That's not possible now, because the rules have changed.
You are now a dangerous insurgent. You are no different from a bloodthirsty Pashtun in Helmand Province, or an ISIS terrorist in Erbil. You're part of a guerrilla insurgency.
Wait, did you attack the Capitol on January 6? Did you try to help Donald Trump overthrow an election he lost in order to seize power in a fascist coup? Are you planning further attacks? Are you in Congress, or a media personality, or the former president, and you helped incite all this violence? Then yes, you are a dangerous insurgent, analogous to a common ISIS.
If not, then you are just a weenus Republican who sits at home and eats Funyuns out of your dog's fur while watching Tucker confirm all your racial grievances about how everything wrong in your life is Black people's fault. You're an asshole, but you're probably not a terrorist.
But this is exactly what Tucker and Laura Ingraham have been doing all week. Trying to make sure their white suburban racist viewers sympathize not with American patriots, but with the domestic terrorists. It's fucking sick.
The rest of the clip is Tucker trying to pretend that weird hairy QAnon shaman guy was the "mastermind" of the terrorist attack, in order to feebly make the case that actual patriotic Americans who don't believe Donald Trump and his congressional and media minions should incite fascist coups or terrorist insurrections are just being hysterical.
TUCKER: We'll tell you when they move him to Gitmo or some undisclosed black site. And when they do, Sandy Cortez will breathe easier!
That was the part where Tucker was making fun of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for being scared that Trump's terrorists were trying to murder her, just because they were. He's been calling her "Sandy" for a couple weeks, as the Daily Beast explains, as some sort of slur, because the Stupidest Man On The Internet Jim Hoft recently "revealed" that Ocasio-Cortez was known as "Sandy Ocasio" in high school. What's the punchline? Why is this funny to Tucker? Who fucking knows, but we'd surmise it has something to do with Tucker's insecurity with his own masculinity.
Here's what Tucker had to say about "Sandy" a couple weeks ago:
"Narrowly escaped death," Carlson sarcastically declared. "When the most harrowing thing you've done in life is pass freshman sociology at Boston University, every day is a brand new drama! Sandy's heart is still beating fast!"
There are no English words left for how hard Tucker Carlson should go fuck himself, but maybe the FBI will come up with some before its investigation is over.
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