Tucker Carlson Would Like You To Know He'd Totally Fap To This Girl Who Shot A Gazelle

So earlier in the World Cup (sportsball! woo!) there was a girl that was apparently the most beautiful-est sportsball fan, and she got offered a hair modeling contract with L'Oreal. But then she posted a super cool photo on her Facebook account posing with a gazelle she had shot on a big game hunting trip. This made people sad, and when people get sad on the Internet, they yell at companies that are making them sad, so L'Oreal made her contract go away. This, in turn, made Tucker Carlson and his posse of stupid very mad and very sad.

Bemoaning the "mob mentality" of an Internet that is just not all that into ladies who pose with dead animals that one kills for no reason except bloodlust and photo opportunities, some doofus that is Not Tucker Carlson then tried to explain that because L'Oreal has had battles with PETA about whether they tested their products on animals, they have to hire gazelle-shooting lady, QED, ipso facto also too. Take that, animal rights weenies.

Tucker Carlson, in an attempt to out-dumb Not-Tucker, decided to go on a rant about how anyone who opposes trophy hunting is probably too dumb to understand meat.

“Where do people think food come from?” Carlson asked on Saturday. “That protein just magically appears, it’s created in a lab somewhere in New Jersey?”

Yes, because we've all eaten our fill of rich delicious gazelle meat. Truly a staple of the American diet.

Oh wait! There is a lady on this show, and she wants to be the very perfect princess of dumb, so now she is here to explain to you how she would totally buy even more L'Oreal makeup if only it came with animal blood on the package or something.

“It might make me want to buy L’Oreal makeup if I’m a hunter as a female,” she explained. “I mean, I grew up in the South. All the women are either hunters or their families are involved in hunting in some way. A picture of a girl hunting, that’s not alarming to me.”

Yes, dumb lady, but it was apparently alarming enough to enough people that L'Oreal decided maybe people wouldn't love the gazelle-killer gal. What is it with conservatives not understanding how capitalism works, anyway?

Does it get worse? It gets worse, because it is Fox & Friends. Would you like to know what Tucker Carlson faps to? Chicks who shoot gazelles, awwww yeah.

“Well, it’s also totally appealing!” Carlson exclaimed. “I’m saying it’s appealing to men. This should be an ad campaign: Buy L’Oreal for your wife or girlfriend, look at this model here.”

So weird that L'Oreal doesn't want to take this Hot Marketing Advice from human smug machine Tucker Carlson, right? The "hot young girl with dead animal" marketing campaign would no doubt have had stratospherically wide appeal, and now no one from Fox & Friends will ever buy anything again from L'Oreal, so they will probably be bankrupt before the year is out with the loss of those half-dozen people.

Sorry, enormous French mega-company. You had a good run. If only you'd just featured more ladies with dead gazelles.

[ Raw Story ]