Tucker Says Low Testosterone Matters And Size Matters And Big Things Are Very Scary

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Tucker Says Low Testosterone Matters And Size Matters And Big Things Are Very Scary

It's 2022, and Tucker Carlson is sailing into the year just as bonkers as ever, and his masculinity issues and his white nationalist issues are still metastasizing.

He was having one of his bad hair days last night, where the curls were kind of unnaturally pasted to his head, as if his mom had brushed his hair for school picture day (unlikely), and he opened the show saying today we are going to talk about what MATTERS.

Is everyone ready to talk about what MATTERS?

Wow, Tucker sounds like a Hallmark card. Is he turning over a new leaf? Haha LOL no.

Watching the video above, we learn that the first thing that MATTERS is homeless people. But he doesn't really dwell on that. (This is the beginning of his opening monologue, by the way.)

Thirty seconds into his show, Tucker says, "speaking of chemicals, men in America seem very different from what they used to be." Wait, WHAT?

TUCKER: Anyone over 40 knows this, the changes are dramatic, you can't help but notice. Could those changes have something to do with the unprecedented drop in testosterone levels that scientists have measured repeatedly?

It's 2022, and 30 seconds into Tucker's show, he's dribbling in his pants about low testosterone. So basically his 2022 is going to be like his 2021.

Tucker bitches that nobody ever talks about the things that matter, like the low testosterone, because everybody is talking about "CNN's latest fixation," whether that is a "Chinese flu virus" or "George Floyd" or "some forgettable border dispute in eastern Ukraine." Those things are not important, Tucker says, not like all the men with the low testosterone are important. (Note how he once again takes Russia's side in the Russia/Ukraine war. If there's an enemy of America, Tucker's gonna find a way to side with them these days.)

Tucker says Twitter can ban "thought criminals" as much as it wants, but reassures us that "Twitter is not in charge of the future, NATURE is in charge of the future." Tucker says countries have to worry about lots of things to guarantee their futures, but says also that the "size of your population matters very much" and determines its "character." (Dogwhistle go WEEEEE WEEEEEE WEEEEEEE!) When Tucker was born, in 1969, there were only 200 million people in America. Now there are way over 300 million. That's too many people!

Don't worry, he means this racistly:

TUCKER: That is massive and incredibly rapid demographic growth. And it's accelerating. Immigration is now at the highest level ever recorded in American history. So is the number of foreign-born already living here. Over just the last year, roughly two million people from the third world came across our borders illegally. All of them arrived with the blessing of the White House.

Get that? Tucker is freaked out about low testosterone (among white men, we assume) but also freaked out about immigrants and "demographics." Tucker says even if all the immigrants who sneak across the border this year get the "Nobel Prize in chemistry," it's worth (racistly) "worrying about the effects that mass immigration have on our population numbers."

"How many people is too many," Tucker demands to know. There's only so much room!

He continues:

TUCKER: The larger a bureaucracy becomes, the more impersonal it gets. Past a certain size, organizations of any kind lose their regard for people. As they get bigger, they get blunter, more soulless and cruel. The people in charge no longer care what you think. They don't have to worry about how their policies will affect you or your family. And that's the inevitable product of population growth. If you had five children, you would bathe them all in love and attention. If you had 5,000 children, you wouldn't know their names.

That must be where it all went wrong for the Duggars.

TUCKER: So, in case you're wondering why our leaders no longer seem especially interested in your health or happiness or prosperity, that's the reason. They don't have to be interested. Our population is too big. Why should your opinion matter? You're one of many. Previous generations of Americans didn't live in a country like this and they would be stunned by the attitudes that are so common now — attitudes we take for granted. "Arresting people for walking through the US Capitol building? How is THAT a crime?" 19th Century Americans would wonder.

Isn't it breathtaking how he slipped in that defense of the pigfucker white supremacist Capitol terrorists right there? He wasn't even talking about them! But he managed to slip in a lie about what they did on January 6.

He wasn't done either:

TUCKER: For most of our history, Americans believed they owned the Capitol. They thought it was theirs because they assumed this was their country, political leaders told them that it was. After the 1904 presidential election, Teddy Roosevelt greeted voters in person on the lawn of the White House. It was his home, he lived there, but it belonged to them.

To run through, using the butts of American flagpoles as spears for hunting the vice president!

TUCKER: Attitudes like that are long gone. They're the victim of population growth. The Athenians invented democratic government, but at its peak, Athens only had about 8,000 voters. So, past a certain scale, democracy can't function very well.

Democracy can't function when white terrorists can't attack the Capitol looking for people to assassinate in order to mount a coup for the stale dogshit authoritarian who was trying to overturn the government that day. And this all happened because of "population growth," by which he obviously means Black and brown people. So says Tucker.

Also note that we made it from "low testosterone" to 8,000 ATHENIAN (WHITE) VOTERS in the space of six minutes. The monologue was 14 minutes long.

That led to Tucker whining about the "immigrant community" and the "trans community" and the "Latino community" and the "Black community." He said these groupings were nonsensical because the 47 million Black people in America "don't even know each other." How can that be a community, asked Tucker.

And that gets us to the seven-minute mark.

If you want to see the other seven, strap yourself in for Tucker's soliloquys about how the best places in the world are the low-density white people places and all skyscrapers are ugly, but Wonkette gonna have to tap out.

OK one more quote, about the skyscrapers:

TUCKER: Would you rather wake up in a $30 million condo on the top floor of an office tower, or in a log cabin in a pine forest, wood stove glowing as the snow falls? [...]

Massive size is a threat, no matter what it is. Always. In our bones we understand this. Anything huge is inherently terrifying to us. Children run from big things!

That is a real quote, hand to God.

In summary and in conclusion, Tucker Carlson has made it into 2022 with his weird masculinity and racism issues intact, and now he is scared of big things, but his hair looked like shit last night, God bless us everyone.

[Media Matters]


Tucker Finds Non-White Person To Stick Up For. Maaaaybe.

2021: The Year Tucker Felt Threatened. No, Even More Than All The Other Years.

Tucker Just Asking Why We Can't Support Mother Russia's War Efforts Against Ukraine

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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