Tucker Should Probably Just Give His Monologues In Russian From Now On

In technical geopolitical terms, things this week are getting stressy with the Russia/Ukraine situation. Around 8,500 American troops have been put on "heightened alert," and everybody's as worried as ever that Russia is going to invade. So of course, Tucker Carlson, the most popular spokesmodel for Russian propaganda on the Fox News network, put on a slinky thing last night and showed us some more Russian propaganda.

This was pretty impressive, because in order to do this, he had to take a break from the most important issue in America, which is explaining how his masculinity is threatened if he can't separate his M&Ms by color so he doesn't inadvertently eat a male M&M and accidentally get hard-shelled candy cock in his mouth. (What? Isn't that what he's been complaining about? It's something about M&Ms and his shriveled masculinity.)

It seems like Tucker's beating the drums of war almost every night, but in support of an American enemy that wants to invade and steal our ally. Here's just a smidge from last night:




"They're both foreign countries that don't care anything about the United States. Kind of strange," said Tucker, trusting that his viewers are completely pig-ignorant about foreign policy in lands further away than the Ryan's Family Steakhouse they go to when the Ryan's Family Steakhouse they usually go to is closed for buffet renovations.

Ukraine cares about the United States a whole lot, especially as the US and NATO have been crucial to Ukraine's efforts not to get completely blown up by Russian enemy invaders. Donald Trump got impeached (the first time) for using military aid Ukraine desperately needs for protection from Russia as a tool of extortion to try to force Ukraine to help him steal the 2020 election.

Ukraine cares.

Russia cares too. Russia cares so much it attacked the 2016 election to install a physically repulsive braindead puppet strongman that would help get rid of the sanctions the previous administration imposed for attacking Ukraine. Then Russia tried it again in 2020, but their attacks were too weak to overcome the blistering hatred America feels for the loser they installed in 2016.

They care. They both care.

Tucker loves to innocently ask these questions, as if he's just pulled his dick out of a green M&M and is observing global politics for the first time. Why is it disloyal to side with Russia? Why shouldn't we be on Russia's side?

And Tucker is on Russia's side, as he's made clear, just like he sides with the terrorists who attacked the US Capitol. He's writing op-eds about it on the Fox News website, adapted from his monologues. "I'm totally confused," Tucker said recently to GOP Rep. Mike Turner. "I guess," Tucker said, when Turner said traditionally we like to take the side of democracies.

None of this is by accident. Russia is an authoritarian white supremacist Christian wet dream wonderland. Ukraine is a struggling democracy. Which one do you think Tucker would feel safer in? Which one is more likely to protect him from the things he fears the most?

And because Tucker is right about his audience's general lack of awareness about how to find their ass with both hands and a compass — or maybe because some of them are further down Tucker's authoritarian white supremacist road than we like to imagine — all of this is having its intended effect. Democratic Rep. Tom Malinowski said this week that he's getting calls in his office from outraged Tucker viewers demanding to know why we're not standing up for our beloved ally Russia against Ukraine and its tyrannical wishes not to be invaded.



Aaron Rupar has a long piece today at his Substack about Tucker's escalation on behalf of Russia, and it highlights just the sheer number of lies and Kremlin propaganda Tucker is spewing to make a Russian invasion of Ukraine seem like literally self-defense, and to paint the Biden administration's and NATO's attempts to prevent a war as militaristic aggression. That's right, the REAL military aggression would be if we protected our ally from a military invasion, instead of letting our enemy run roughshod over it.

For instance:

Carlson’s excuse-making for Putin basically boils down to the idea that Putin is right to perceive Ukraine’s interest in joining NATO as a threat. On January 18, Carlson tried to make this point with a thought experiment, asking his viewers to “imagine if Mexico fell under the direct military control of China. We would see that as a threat.”

“Well that’s how Russia views NATO control of Ukraine, and why wouldn’t they?” he added.


Wait, did we miss the announcement that Ukraine was going to be able to join NATO? No, that wouldn't happen for many years, if it ever happened. Has NATO threatened to invade Russia from the new bases it's going to build in Ukraine? No, NATO exists to defend member nations from Russian aggression, not the other way around.

Is Putin just very stupid and confused? No. Why do you think Putin has always had such a hard-on to kill NATO? Oh yeah, because it's in the way of Putin's real goal, which is to bring all the former Soviet bloc nations back under his control, in a pathetic attempt to restore the Soviet Union to its previous "glory."

Is Tucker just very stupid and confused? Nah. He's sitting in exactly the laps he wants to be sitting in right now. This is where a big part of the white supremacist American right wing is now, and they're only going to get worse from here.

[Aaron Rupar]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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