Tucker Carlson is not content to simply speak of Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's testicles, which due to the COVID vaccine allegedly grew bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until they were the biggest testicles in the world, at which point Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's fiancee was like "No, those balls are TOO BIG," and thereby immediately Goldilocks-ed herself into a different wedding bed, one with more appropriately sized testicles.

This is journalism, and you don't start talking about such an important story without being willing to do the followup necessary, being willing to reach under the hood (SO TO SPEAK) and jiggle around (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID) people's opposing claims, to figure out what the real story is. Tucker is a journalist.


First of all, Tucker apologizes, because apparently he accidentally suggested the other night that it was Nicki Minaj's cousin's testicles what were hanging so low, when in actuality it's Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's testicles. This is Tucker issuing a correction.

TUCKER: We suggested that Nicki Minaj's cousin is the one with the swollen testicles in Trinidad. And we were wrong and we want to admit it. We henceforth correct the record. Nicki Minaj's cousin's testicles are not swollen. As far as we know, he's fine. It's Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's testicles that are swollen from taking the vax, that's the claim.

Now we feel bad for writing that mean post about how much Tucker lies, when here he is just factchecking his own Nicki Minaj cousin friend testicle mistakes instead of waiting for others to call them out.

Anyway Tucker wanna get a little closer to them balls. Here he is saying that if Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend is watching the TV, Tucker will GET ON A PLANE AND GO TO PORT OF SPAIN, THE CAPITAL OF TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO, to do some journalism on them balls.

He'll check those balls if he has to take a plane, he'll check them out in Port of Spain.

And finally, here are Tucker and Candace Owens talking about how this isn't even about Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls in Trinidad, but rather about "bodily autonomy" and whether you have "dominion over your own body," because these fucking trolls are just trying to bait us at this point and we're not into it. Also, the point Justin Baragona makes in the tweet below, obviously.

We increasingly believe there is no rational reason to believe America will survive more than a couple more decades, if we're lucky.

[h/t Joe.My.God]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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