Turns Out There's A Limit To Bill Barr's Trump Fluffery, GIVE HIM A SNAUSAGE!
Donald Trump didn't get what he wanted.
He committed crimes all summer long in an effort to get Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy to march on to a CNN set and say for the world to hear that his young government would investigate Joe Biden and Hunter Biden and Trump's imaginary fever dream conspiracy dingleberries about how Russia didn't ratfuck the 2016 election, UKRAINE DID. He even personally withheld military aid Congress had already appropriated for Ukraine! But alas, Trump is a stupid criminal, and he got caught, therefore the aid finally squeaked through and Trump's crime spree went flaccid before it was finished.
Dammit! And after Trump had worked on his big crime for so long!
He's got his low-rent husky Roy Cohn stand-in Bill Barr traipsing the globe doing a trumped-up criminal investigation into his fever dream conspiracy dingleberries about what really happened in 2016. The fact that it is now a criminal inquiry was conveniently leaked to the New York Times, but if that was the announcement Trump wanted in place of the Zelenskiy announcement, to give his hallucinations an air of legitimacy, it kinda backfired.
But the Washington Post is now reporting that President Desperate Loser really wanted another kind of big announcement from his attorney general, and that this time, Bill Barr drew a line in the sand and said he would do anything for (Trump's) love, but he won't do THAT. Specifically, Trump wanted Barr to announce that Trump's crime call with Ukraine was a perfect phone call, and that no crimes were committed.
President Trump wanted Attorney General William P. Barr to hold a news conference declaring that the commander in chief had broken no laws during a phone call in which he pressed his Ukrainian counterpart to investigate a political rival, though Barr ultimately declined to do so, people familiar with the matter said.
Just like Trump desperately begged James Comey to announce publicly that he wasn't under investigation. Third verse, same as the first!
The request from Trump traveled from the president to other White House officials and eventually to the Justice Department.
Just like Trump asked Don McGahn and Corey Lewandowski to threaten and/or fire Jeff Sessions over his recusal from the Russia investigation, as laid out in the Mueller Report. Dumb motherfucker only knows how to do one crime, apparently, but he doesn't do it particularly well.
The president has mentioned Barr's demurral to associates in recent weeks, saying he wished Barr would have held the news conference, Trump advisers say.
Just like ... yeah, that senile old shitwaffle is always whining about something, isn't he!
Trump says this is fake news, which 100 percent of the time means the Washington Post nailed it.
Maggie Haberman from the New York Times is of course confirming what those Washington Post folks reported:
The Post explains that Trump started begging Barr to do this around September 25, which would have been around the time the whistleblower complaint came out and also about the same time as he released READ THE TRASNCRIPT!111!!1! We guess he was alarmed that literally everyone who actually READ THE TRASNCRIPT!11!!!1! could see that he committed a metric shitload of impeachable crimes on that call.
So bully for Bill Barr, he refused to stand in front of a TV camera and debase himself further by publicly clearing Trump's name, like he did when he lied to the American people about the findings of the Mueller Report. Of course, when the crimes that would later be delineated in the whistleblower's complaint came to the attention of the Justice Department in the form of criminal referrals, the department decided nah fuck it, nothing to see here, and declined to investigate.
And again, Barr is gallivanting around the globe trying to clear Russia and the Trump campaign of any responsibility for ratfucking the 2016 election, even though the entire intelligence community and the Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee agree that Russia did it, and they did it for Trump.
Congratulations, Bill Barr, you drew a line in the sand this one time. You're still garbage.
The Post notes that the Barr Justice Department has done a couple little things of late to try to put some separation between itself and Crime Central at 1600 Pennsylvania. When Mick Mulvaney publicly confessed to his role in Trump's crimes on live TV, partially by saying the aid to Ukraine was conditional on Ukraine helping the Justice Department with its fake-ass investigation into Trump's conspiracy theories about 2016, Justice was like "The fuck you say?" Also Barr's pals have been leaking to the lamestream media that Barr thinks Rudy Giuliani sucks butt. That is a correct assessment of Rudy Giuliani, of course, but saying it doesn't create the "Goofus and Gallant" narrative Barr perhaps wishes it does.
By the way, we mentioned above that what Trump really obviously wanted was his precious "deliverable" from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy, in the form of a loud announcement on CNN that Ukraine was going to investigate Trump's various hallucinations about Joe Biden and how Russia was not the collusion, UKRAINE was the collusion. And we mentioned that Zelenskiy really did get saved by the bell there at the end, because until everything blew up in Trump's ugly orange face, Zelenskiy really was going to have to do that announcement.
We always wondered how far along the planning for that got, and the New York Times is filling in some of the blanks. Apparently it got pretty far, to the point there was a date planned for the interview (September 13) and a CNN host chosen (Fareed Zakaria, OMG SORRY JAKE TAPPER).
But then Trump got caught, Congress was pissed, whistles were blown, and now the dumbass motherfucker is getting impeached.
DERP DERP WOMP WOMP!
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