Meet Pastor John Jarnecke, a self-styled "Texian" who runs a secessionist group called the Republic of Texas. It's not a violent group — think of it like a Model UN, only with more Type II diabetes. It's fun, they have presidential elections and everything! Also, Tammy's mom brings Rice Krispie squares every Thursday.

So it came as a real shock to Jarnecke and his secessionist pals when a force of "at least 20" local and state law enforcement officials raided a Republic of Texas meeting for the "crime" of issuing one too many fake summonses to their fake Republic of Texas courts. The Houston Chronicle brings us the story.

The raid was a response to legal summons sent by Republic of Texas members to a Kerr County judge and bank employee, demanding they appear in the Republic's court at the Veterans and Foreign Wars building in Bryan the day the officers stormed in. [...]

"You can't just let people go around filing false documents to judges trying to make them appear in front of courts that aren't even real courts," said Kerr County sheriff Rusty Hierholzer, who led the operation. [...]

The judge and banker summoned to the Republic's court had been involved in the foreclosure of a [Republic of Texas] member's Kerr County house.

Sheriff...Hierholzer, was it? Say, that's a German last name, isn't it? You know who else had a German last name and enforced the rule of corrupt courts? Checkmate, you statist bastards.

The Republic of Texas was the subject of a Daily Show investigation, which we will embed below because Jessica Williams is amazing. You can also learn more about the group by watching this half-hour-long documentary from Kremlin mouthpiece Russia Today, or by reading this excellent 2013 article from the San Antonio Express-News.

We recommend reading up on the group, because they know that secession is Serious Business, so they are getting Serious about actually making this secession thing actually, y'know, happen. They're going to sue for their freedom, and they're going to do it any day now, they swear.

Jarnecke acknowledged that legislation and court summons issues by the Republic have no real effect, but said the group was close to taking their case to an international court—they haven't yet selected which. He hopes that will be the first step in rallying for Texas independence.

"I'm positive we will get out independence back at some point in time," he said. "Now we're just trying to nip things in the bud ahead of time to make sure the people are the ones that have the power when it happens, not the government."

Sounds like you guys have really thought this through, Pastor Jarnecke. Good luck with your efforts and godspeed. Hopefully, the Lord will guide the Republic of Texas to freedom, and hopefully, He will do so without bloodshed. That would be really nice for the Republic of Texas, since they've historically been so very, very shitty at fighting wars.

Did you know that, Wonketeers? Did you know that, historically speaking, the Republic of Texas was much better at rootin' and tootin' than it was at shootin'? Well, now you do.

[Houston Chronicle]

Follow Dan on Twitter.