Yes, you too, Hobby Lobby

Hobby Lobby, the arts-n-farts store where stay-at-home mommy vloggers buy all their NO HOMO glitter and scrapbooking supplies, is the pinnacle of Christian values and American virtue, which are basically the same thing, if you squint at the First Amendment just so.

So we are a tad surprised -- but sarcastically, because we are not even the taddest bit surprised AT ALL -- to learn that the Green family, owners of the Sincerely Religious chain store, is under federal investigation, for Criming While Christian. What kind of crimes? Oh, just stealing antiquities and smuggling them into U.S. America, to put in the Biblical Bible Museum of Biblical Bibles they are building in Washington DC. Oops!

For the last four years, law enforcement sources tell The Daily Beast, the Greens have been under federal investigation for the illicit importation of cultural heritage from Iraq.

Four years, huh? So, let's see, one ... two ... carry the five, divide by LOL ... Yeah, that would mean the Greens were stealing all of God's tchotchkes outta the Iraq and lying about it (allegedly) at the exact same time they were suing their way to the Supreme Court because of how so goddamned religious they are. And that is where unelected lawyers in robes made up a whole new special law for the Greens and other like-minded Bible-humpers that says you do not have to obey federal law if you say you Sincerely Believe you don't wanna.

You don't have to prove your beliefs are, like, a real thing from a religious text, which is awfully convenient, since the Bible offers many terrific non-judgmental recipes for contraception and abortifacients (thanks, God!) so Bible ladies could get their G-spots pounded so good, just for sexytime funsies.

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You don't have to prove the sincerity of your supposed beliefs either, which is also convenient, since Hobby Lobby's 401(k) plan for employees -- who are not allowed to use slut pills -- makes money from investing in companies that produce, yup that's right, slut pills. Which is different because it's different so shut up.

So the Greens don't have to follow federal law, at least as it pertains to healthcare for hoo-ha holes, because they Sincerely Believe the Bible says so. Anyone wanna guess if that exemption also works at U.S. Customs?

If someone looking to bring antiquities into the U.S. knows that the artifacts should never have left their country of origin, or lack proper provenance, the only way to get them through customs is to lie: about the country of origin, about the country of export, about the value, about the identity. [...] One source familiar with the Hobby Lobby investigation told us that this is precisely what happened in this case: The tablets were described on their FedEx shipping label as samples of “hand-crafted clay tiles.”

Oh, but maybe the Greens did not know they described the few hundred ancient tablets as mere "clay tiles," with a declared value of about $300, like they picked 'em up at the flea market, a buck a piece, what a great bargain for a little something to remember their family vacay to the Middle East. Is that possible?

Hobby Lobby CEO Steve Green says yes, it is "possible that we have some illicit [artifacts]," but not on purpose, heavens no! Just some confusion about paperwork. That's sincerely believable, because when you're busy running a successful craft store for Jesus, and illegally demanding to inspect your employees' down-theres to make sure they are tinkling in the "right" bathroom, it's easy to accidentally scribble "clay tiles worth $300" when you really meant to write "ancient clay tablets that are thousands of years old and worth approximately a metric fuckton." Innocent mistake.

Hey, does anyone know if there's anything in the Bible about lying and coveting and stealing and how thou shalt not do that shit, sayeth the Lord your God, King of the Universe? Maybe a reference to some rules -- about 10 or so -- inscribed on some old-timey tablets, in ancient American? Who knows, but we'd like to sincerely suggest U.S. Customs assign its top men (Top. Men.) to investigate whether those tablets were sneaked out of the Holy Land and stashed in the Green family warehouse, for fun and profit. Just to be sure.

[Daily Beast / Salon]