Uh Oh, Is President Diaper-Shits About To Have A BLOW-OUT?
baby has a upset
So many things are making Donald Trump just a WILD AND CRAZY GUY the past couple of weeks! Consider:
- His secretary of State thinks he is a bona fide fucking moron.
- GOP Senator Bob Corker, one of the most powerful of all senators, thinks he is a bona fide fucking moron, and also that his White House is basically (direct quote) "adult daycare."
- Looks like special counsel Robert Mueller is really closing in! He's using the Steele Dossier as a resource in his investigation, he's talking to British spy Christopher Steele, who compiled the dossier, and oh yeah, Mueller has been following the money this whole time, which probably means he has Trump dead to rights.
So you know what this means, right? It means literally every news publication, from Southern Living to Tiger Beat, has its own gossipy article about how Donald Trump may be about to have a nuclear explosion from his diaper hole!
We'll start with Trump's Forbes interview, because it has the thing everybody's LOLing about, where the moron president seems to be challenging his Sec State to an IQ TEST DUEL:
He counterpunches, in this case firing a shot at Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who reportedly called his boss a moron: "I think it's fake news, but if he did that, I guess we'll have to compare IQ tests. And I can tell you who is going to win."
PLZ GIRL, Rex Tillerson was the CEO of one of the biggest corporations in the world, whereas all the president has ever done in his life is grabbed a few pusses and driven a bunch of companies into the ground. So unless the follow-up to "I can tell you who is going to win" is "Rex Tillerson," then Trump is yet again full of shit.
Maybe they are doing the IQ test during lunch today at the White House, where the two BFFs are dining (as we speak!) with Trump babysitter Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis. Or maybe Trump will pound his tiny fist on the tray of his high chair, hurl one of his ice cream scoops at Tillerson's face, and fire him. It's Trump's America, we're just living in it!
Now let's look at a couple fun articles in Politico and the Washington Post, which use interviews with White House staffers and other people near Trump to confirm literally everything Bob Corker said about him, especially the parts about how they have to constantly burp the baby and distract the baby and change the baby and distract the baby again, just to keep the place running. The Politico thing is more of a backgrounder on what a petulant loser Trump has been since forever, while WaPo focuses on how Trump is about to 'splode RIGHT NOW. Shall we simply throw quotes at your face? WE SHALL!
As White House chief of staff, Reince Priebus mused to associates that telling President Donald Trump no was usually not an effective strategy. Telling him “next week” was often the better idea.
One Trump confidant likened the president to a whistling teapot, saying that when he does not blow off steam, he can turn into a pressure cooker and explode. “I think we are in pressure cooker territory,” said this person, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to talk candidly.
“You either had to just convince him something better was his idea or ignore what he said to do and hoped he forgot about it the next day,” said Barbara Res, a former executive in the Trump Organization.
“His presidency could be doomed,” said this person, who spoke on the condition of anonymity so as not to alienate the president or his staff.
Trump has, on several occasions, walked down to the Oval Office in the morning and told aides he knew they didn’t like the tweets he’d sent earlier.
“They’re not presidential, I know,” he said, with a mocking tone on the word “presidential,” according to one person familiar with his comments.
Oh god, that fucking child.
We wish we had some magic advice to give all these people who are forced to share breathing space with the president every day. We just don't know what to suggest, though. Throw the tennis ball? Squeak the squeaky? Hide the nuclear football at Barack Obama's house? Invoke Article 25? WHO CAN EVEN SAY.
We're sure Trump's handlers have everything under control. You bet. Just don't let anybody call in sick for their shift at the adult daycare again, OK?
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[Forbes / Washington Post / Politico]
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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