Unceremoniously Knocked Up Bristol Palin Pissed About Thing

Time for Bristol to sexsplain things.

Did we tell you Bristol Palin is pregnant again? No, we did not. (WONKET MALPRACTICE.) Oh well, we're sure you saw it on Alex Jones or Maury Povich or wherever else you see things. We just didn't get to it because "election," and because this time she got pragnet-ed by a man what is her husband (Dakota Meyer), instead of getting pragnet-ed while profiting handily off being a Jesus-y abstinence advocate by getting knocked up much like the Virgin Mary (by God, or non-abstinently, by Dakota Meyer, what was not her husband then). Anywho, molotov, Bristol!

So Bristol awakened Wednesday morning and looked around the house with a confused look on her face, missing her Virginia Slims and her Boone's Farm, because her doctor said "No Fun During Pragnet." So she popped open her morning Tab, grabbed a few Slim Jims from the fruit bowl on the kitchen table, and opened her laptop to go to "work" at her "news website," whereupon she discovered that pretty much every talented person who ever lived, from Beethoven to Beyoncé, was being disrespectful to our new Dear Leader Donald Trump, by refusing to sing for their supper at Trump's inauguration. How dare they! Bristol briefly considered contacting the Trump transition team and offering to show off all the smooth moves she learned on "Dancing With The Stars," but her seething rage at these ... these ... SISSIES! ... who just can't be bothered to perform for Trump was a-boil-eth, so she knew it was time to harness the powers of her blog and make a Buzzfeed-styley slideshow about how she is Having A Pissed right now:

If Donald Trump were still just a regular old billionaire and threw a party at Trump Tower in New York City, celebrities would be lined up out the door, and the most famous artists would be pining for a chance to perform. But because he will be inaugurated as the next Republican president in January, these same mega-celebrities, who would normally drool over an invitation to sing for the president, want no part of it.

It's not because he's a Republican, you dense ass-wad. Mitt Romney or John McCain could get AT LEAST three or four A-listers to show up. It's because he's Donald Effing Trump, the most unqualified person ever elected to the presidency, a thin-skinned fascist wanna-be who, because of the very bad actions of a handful of white idiots in the Rust Belt, now has a chance to become a fascist GET-TO-BE.

Isn’t it amazing how “not cool” it is to be conservative in the public eye? Either Hollywood is that far off – or we have so many sissies we have in the spot light too scared to stand for what they believe in!

Yep, Donald Trump is REAL conservative, when he's grabbing chicks by the pussy. Now, we know that in Wasilla, that might just be a friendly howdy-doo, but not in Real America, which is on the coasts and in Chicago. And yeah, Hollywood is full of liberals, breaking news, Bristol. Most places full of talented and intelligent people are.

Bristol was finished editorializing (sentences is long!), so she dragged hard on her vape and commenced to copy/pasting pictures of Elton John, Celine Dion, Andrea Bocelli, Bruno Mars, Justin Timberlake, Katy Perry, Aretha Franklin, Garth Brooks, KISS and a couple of others who won't be compromising their principles to participate in Trump's christening, before finally posting a picture of "rising star" Jackie Evancho, who lost on "America's Got Talent," but she's a winner in Bristol's eyes because she agreed to sing "The Star Spangled Banner," a song likely to lose all meaning under the Trump regime, at the inauguration.

Having completed a full day of "work" (20 minutes, give or take), Bristol closed her computer and pitter-pattered to the garage so she could sneaked some Boone's, because what even is a "doctor" and how do they know what she should and should not do while she is pragnet, I mean come on.

[Bristol's blog thing]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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