Uncouth Barbarian President Inconveniences Golfers For Five Minutes, Probably Doesn't Fill In Divots Either

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We don’t know about all of you, but we are getting sick and goddamned tired of living in a militarized police state where citizens can at any given moment and without prior warning be subjected to the whims of a tyrannical security regime, forced to submit to the degradations imposed by their heavily armed rulers or suffer injurious or even fatal consequences. It is a travesty, a mockery of the rights enumerated for us in the sacred Constitution.


What? Oh yeah, Ferguson, that’s a bummer, but we’re talking about the inconveniences suffered by some golfers on Martha’s Vineyard the other day. It seems the Supreme and Glorious Leader of the Heavens Above and the Earth Below, Barack Mohammad Al-Fuqazi Hussein Obama, showed up at the Vineyard Golf Club unexpectedly. His presence necessitated Secret Service security wandings and pat-downs for all the nearby rich people who thought they could summer on the island in peace, away from the hurly-burly of the City and all its madness. At one point Wednesday, the story even led the Drudge Report's homepage.

Sniffed one still-terrorized eyewitness,

“There was security on the way in, but no word as to why they were there." The member added, "While eating, overlooking the golf course, guests had to stand up and be wanded.” One asked if he could finish his hot soup first, and an Obama security man cracked, ominously, “So, you’re not cooperating?”

Heavens! These poor people just wanted to eat hot soup in August while staring out at a majestic golf course and contemplating their securities portfolios, and not be interrupted by the presence of the fucking President of the United States. Who vacations on Martha’s Vineyard for two weeks every August, so anyone who goes there at that time knows the robust security bubble that surrounds the man could pop up at any moment. Especially at a golf course, since Obama’s love of the game is well-documented.

Maybe the Secret Service should have sent the Ferguson Police Department to clear the place out. We hear tear gas really spices up the flavor in lobster bisque.

[Page Six]

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