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Undeclared Republican Presidential Candidate Power Rankings, Week 2

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On Monday, if he's still around after the rapture (UNLIKELY!), Tim Pawlenty will officially announce his campaign for president. Okay! But there's still nobody in the race anybody, even wingnuts, would want to vote for. Once again, America turns to ourweekly undeclared Republican presidential candidate power rankings to learn who could swoop in and take the nomination. Who is down?! Et cetera?! (Note: All of last week's candidates died.)


1. RONALD REAGAN

Why he could win: We just said this zombie died again, and yet he's back for more! As long as there is one yuppie investment banker in this country who can still rape a woman on his yacht because of tax breaks, the dream stays alive.

Why he probably won't win: The liberal media and their feverish, inflammatory obituaries are CONTINUING to write him off.

2. MICHELE BACHMANN

Why she could win: While you were staring at her vacant face like an idiot, her soul came up behind you and slit your throat. Ha!

Why she probably won't win: Deathly allergic to expressions of human compassion.

3. HOVEROUND PRESIDENT TOM KRUSE

Why he could win: Has business experience, but Republican voters are more familiar with him than Herman Cain, because he appears in commercials for their favorite mobility scooter. Also a plus: He's white!

Why he probably won't win: Probably a poorly conceived Risky Business-style campaign ad.

4. KFC DOUBLE-DOWN SANDWICH

Why it could win: Everything Americans love in one candidate!

Why it probably won't win: We're gonna say racial controversy.

5. LARRY CRAIG

Why he could win: Doesn't cut and run. You have to give him that.

Why he probably won't win: Hectic campaign trail schedule leaves no time to properly use the restroom.

6. BASIL MARCEAUX

Why he could win: This cheesy campaign slogan we're giving him free of charge: "Basil Marceaux: He's spicing up the election!"

Why he probably won't win: Enslavement by traffic stops, obviously.

7. THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER FROM THE MOVIE HOMEWARD BOUND

Why he could win: A strong leader. Somebody voters would like to feed a bowl of beer with. Tthey wouldn't feel intellectually inferior.

Why he probably won't win: Gotta have a sex scandal or two. There are already rumors of him licking his own testicles.

8. A FIFTY DOLLAR BILL WITH RONALD REAGAN'S FACE ON IT

Why it could win: Why isn't Ronald Reagan on any of our money considering he's the best president ever?!?!?!?! If any president would make it happen, it's this candidate.

Why it probably won't win: Pretty easily assassinated.

9. A TREE

Why it could win: A little affirmative action should clear that guilt over ruining the environment right up! It worked with electing a black guy, right?

Why it probably won't win: Voters tell pollsters they like trees, but once they get in the voting booth, their bias will never let them vote for one.

10. BARACK OBAMA

Why he could win: Voters love incumbent presidents! The Republican Party can nominate him and make Sarah Palin the vice-presidential candidate, and then impeach him once he gets elected.

Why he probably won't win: Seriously, they're not going to vote for a black guy.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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