Wonkette Dick Jokes Now Officially Sponsored By These Nice Penis Pump Folks!
Is that gorgeous unit a penis pump for YOUR UNIT? Why yes, it is!
Oh hi, Wonkers. We are aroused to tell you about some product offerings from one of our new friends, L.A. Pump. Yes, they are penis pumps and pussy pumps and clit pumps, and we know what you are thinking: My grandmother died in a penis pump accident!
Let's get something out of the way -- No, she did not. And while many take it as a foregone conclusion that penis pumps are inherently unsafe (we used to think so too!), the truth is that no less esteemed an organization than the Mayo Clinic says they are mostly safe for the treatment of erectile dysfunction, when used properly. They're also less expensive over time than Viagra, which means you'll have more CA$H in your pocket to buy those special chocolates your man or lady likes, before you take them to boner town. Need a second opinion? How about the American Urological Association?
Heck, even the United States government uses penis pumps, and we don't mean just to alleviate boredom during government shutdowns. Medicare spent $172,000,000 on penis pumps between 2006 and 2011.
Now, there are risks for some men, and like anything else, they can be used VERY WRONG, so keep that in mind.
Basically what we are saying is that we at Wonkette are ANTI-erectile dysfunction, so if this can help you, we want you to buy it, for your dick! However, we are also anti-peeners falling off, so if you choose a pump from our friends at L.A. Pump, you have to promise you won't use it like an idiot and make your peener fall off.
According to the company, these pumps don't just make magic boners happen. They can also increase size and sensitvity (MORE BIGGER ORGASMS!) in penises, and clits and probably noses and ears too, but what did we just say about using it properly? You heard us.
L.A. Pump has pumps for all the parts of your man-body or lady-body. There are penis pumps, clit pumps, pussy pumps, nipple pumps, and even an "anus pump," in case you want to pump your anus! The description for that one recommends that you bring a friend when you're using your anus pump, because it's hard to work them by yourself. Is it because of all the levers? No, it's just that your butt's like way back there and hard to reach!
Look here, it's a brass pump on a nice wooden table in a library-type room. Because with L.A. Pump, you get tools your interior decorator will approve of, and not just because you're having sexxx with your interior decorator.
Now look, these pumps are a bit more expensive than average pumps, but it should be clear by now that these are not the Your Father's Oldsmobile of boner and pussy pumps. The company uses only the finest materials, and boner bonus, they offer free shipping!
On top of that, they are made right here in the United States, so a good idea before you use your pump is to look in the mirror and say, "I'm creating American jobs right now!"
Plus, as a loyal Wonker Wanker, you of course get a coupon, so if you go their website and make a purchase, enter coupon code "WONKETTE" for 10% off. And we guarantee that 10% saved will be added to your penis! (Just kidding, no we don't.)
Happy (SAFE) pumping, Wonkers!