UPS Found Tucker's Missing Package. Haha, We Said 'Tucker's Missing Package'
BREAKING IMPORTANT UPDATE ON STORY OF TUCKER CARLSON'S MISSING PACKAGE OF COMPLETELY TRUE BOMBSHELL DOCUMENTS ABOUT HUNTER BIDEN OF WHICH THERE IS ONLY ONE COPY.
UPS found it. It wasn't taken by the Deep State or Hillary Clinton or George Soros or any of their operatives. It was not seized. It was not a conspiracy theory.
"After an extensive search, we have found the contents of the package and are arranging for its return," the spokesman said. "UPS will always focus first on our customers, and will never stop working to solve issues and make things right."
Those idiots used UPS. You don't use UPS for things like completely true bombshell documents about Hunter Biden of which there is only one copy.
We were extremely charitable to Tucker Carlson in our post this morning about the Mystery Of The Missing Documents. While we do not believe that he actually has real documents (that weren't forged by Russia or Rudy Giuliani or somebody), we were willing to allow for the possibility that Tucker did indeed have a problem with a missing package this weekend, and just combined that experience with his Hunter Biden lies. We assumed, by how Tucker described it, that he had used FedEx, and shared our own very intimate knowledge of FedEx's fuckups. We did not say for sure that Tucker used FedEx. We said "assuming we are dealing with FedEx."
That was just really far too kind of us. Everybody knows that if you need to get something somewhere fast, you use FedEx, because though they do fuck up sometimes, they are generally the most reliable when it comes to sending things overnight, in our experience. (FedEx, we just said something nice about you, so if you are in the mood to send us money or free FedExing for life for this Yelp review, hit it up!) We assumed that PROBABLY Tucker's producer went to the nearest FedEx store to overnight the package.
Because that's what human beings do.
Those idiots used UPS.
We have no on-the-ground knowledge about how UPS fuckups work — click here to learn about FedEx! — so we are pretty sure we have no added value to give when it comes to speculating about how Tucker's "package" disappeared. But we were pretty sure it wasn't Joe Biden's Deep State Ninjas what stoled Tucker's "package," and that he was being a dumb stupid tinfoil hat conspiracist, and we were as usual right. They just lost your very real and not made up documents, like happens.
We are sorry for assuming more smarter things about Tucker Carlson and his producer than we ever should have. SHAN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
Next we're going to find out that Tucker's favorite cola is "Pepsi" and and his favorite internet service provider is "Comcast" and his favorite airline is "Spirit Airlines" and his favorite presidential candidate is "Donald Trump."
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