Urine-Drinking 'Vaccine Cop' Weirdo Crosses Anti-Vaxx, Sovereign Citizen Streams
Christopher Key and his shitty vinyl-wrapped Mustang. Photo: Telegram (reversed from backwards selfie mode)

A heavily armed antivaxxer named Christopher Key is traveling the highways and byways of America with the goal of performing "citizens' arrests" of Democratic governors, and thank heavens, the Daily Beast has been following his mission since at least late December. when Key proclaimed himself the leader of the "Vaccine Police," a group we suspect may have one actual member. Yr Wonkette discovered him in January when he first claimed to have "shut down pharmacies" and "shut down boards of education," and when his initial goal was simply to "arrest" (i.e., kidnap) Louisiana's Democratic Gov. John Bel Edwards. Then he made more news by insisting that the secret to beating COVID is drinking your own urine, which we always thought was Todd Starnes's gig.

Read More:

The 'Vaccine Police' Guy Trying To Citizen's Arrest Your Governor Is A Former Snake Oil Salesman

Move Over, Horse Paste. January's Hottest Miracle Cure Is Your Own Pee!

Oh, yes, he also recently explained that the COVID vaccines are "bioweapons," not actual vaccines, and that they all need to be "lined up, and they need to be exterminated," in a video in which he showed off a flamethrower.

It's not clear whether he actually took his little arsenal along on his mission to "arrest" Bel Edwards, which got sidetracked a little when Key was arrested in Birmingham, Alabama, on trespassing charges earlier this month.

In an update posted today, the Daily Beast's Zachary Petrizzo reports that Key is now insisting he doesn't need a driver's license, which is a useful clue that Key has crossed over into (or started out in) full Sovereign Citizen derangement, which would certainly fit with his earlier talk about "arresting" government officials and "serving" people with "packets of documents that supposedly show that the safe and effective COVID-19 vaccine is supposedly a 'bioweapon.'"

So of course he doesn't need a driver's license, as long as he deploys the right Word Magic.

Key explained to Petrizzo Monday night that as long as you use the right words, you don't need license plates or a driver's license, because in Wackyland, you're only bound by laws you accept by signing a contract.

“My car is not a car. My car is my wagon, with wagon wheels,” he continued, insisting he doesn’t need a driver’s license to operate his car, which is currently wrapped with graphics claiming the COVID-19 vaccine a “bio-weapon.” “You only drive if you are committing commerce,” Key added. “The only people that need a driver’s license are truck drivers, Uber drivers, FedEx drivers, but if you understand your constitutional rights, you have the ‘life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.’”

And MY car is a chariot, not to mention a 1973 Chevy named Vlad the Impala.

"Driving," any Sovereign Citizen is happy to explain, is only what you do with cattle, and by extension when you're on the roads engaged in commerce, it's right there in the Constitution if you have the secret decoder ring. He clearly does not consent to have his vinyl-wrapped Mustang considered a commercial vehicle.

Key also explained that he is "a free man living on the land," another Sovereign Citizen magic phrase, and when Petrizzo asked what he'd do if he were pulled over by police, he "explained" that wouldn't affect him, because "There is no crime" in traveling in your Mustang with a fake badge and planning to arrest governors for being tyrants.

Petrizzo notes, for the sake of keeping readers up to date, that "In the United States, where Key is 'traveling,' one must have a valid driver’s license to operate a motor vehicle," but that's just, like, his opinion, man.

Read More:

Sovereign Citizen Streams Self Stealing Vial Of Vaccine, To Save Us All From 'Poisoning'

Mr. Key certainly isn't the only anti-vaxxer to dabble in Sovereign Citizen hocus-pocus; back in May, that dipshit who stole vials of COVID vaccine from a Minnesota vaccination center and a CVS pharmacy ("I'm taking my vaccine!") so he could get them "tested" at a "lab" also livestreamed himself explaining to cops that he didn't need any licenses, because he too was freely traveling on the land.

We wonder whether Mr. Key similarly looks forward to the opportunity to explain the real laws to some cops who eventually pull him over. Given his fondness for guns, and the tendency of some Sovereign types to shoot at law enforcement, we would recommend police be extra careful if they see a shitty old Mustang that looks like it's trying to be a "vaccine police" car. Key has said previously that he is "never about violence," but then he also believed that "the sheriffs will be with me" when he goes to "arrest" governors for trying to stop the spread of his favorite virus.

These people are both hilarious and scary, the end.

[Daily Beast]

Yr Wonkette is funded entirely by reader donations! If you can, please help us keep you on top of all the weird with a monthly $5 or $10 donation!

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc