USDA's New Top Researcher Is A Godfearing Patriot, Which Is Way Better Than A Scientist


Sam Clovis

Meet Sam Clovis! He's the guy who will be now be the top scientist at the USDA. The guy in charge of protecting your food and water systems. Is he a scientist? No he is not! Does he have any experience with farming? Well, no. Does he really hate the Clean Water Act? You're damn right he does!

Don't we all feel a little safer today?

Sam Clovis is a principled man of Jesus, who agreed that Trump was a "cancer on conservatism" whose "comments reveal no foundation in Christ, which is a big deal!"

Well, it was a big deal -- but that was only until he got a chance to "sit down and ask him directly about those issues" and "look him in the eye and ask him the tough questions." It was then that Clovis searched deep within his soul and realized the God's plan was for him to defect from #TeamRickPerry to become Trump's national campaign co-chair. And like the the magi, he came bearing the gift of Comrade Carter Page. Sam Clovis is only an instrument in the hands of The Almighty. Amen.

Since the inauguration, Clovis has been one of the White House commissars dispatched to monitor Cabinet Officials and agency staff. Though he know nothing about the workings of the Department of Agriculture, he's certainly up to the job of sussing out the loyalty of underlings. And now he'll make the transition to permanent minder under new Secretary of Agriculture Sunny Perdue. So much winning!

As reported in ProPublica, Clovis has a PhD in public administration from the University of Alabama, which is exactly the same as being one of the nation's “distinguished scientists with specialized or significant experience in agricultural research, education, and economics.” The 2008 Farm Bill requires that the Undersecretary of the Research, Education and Economics of the USDA should be a "top scientist." While Clovis has published works on homeland security and hosted a talk show, there is no evidence he ever took a graduate-level science course or wrote any scientific papers. Luckily he is eligible for the position under the "with some exceptions" provision of the law.

Catharine Woteki, who held the Undersecretary position during the Obama administration, holds a PhD in nutrition and was the Dean of the School of Agriculture at Iowa State University. During her tenure, she evaluated climate and weather data to help farmers prepare for the severe droughts and flooding scientists predict will result from climate change. Sam Clovis will not be doing that. He will be taking the USDA in a new direction altogether.

Clovis has repeatedly expressed skepticism over climate science and has called efforts to address climate change “simply a mechanism for transferring wealth from one group of people to another.” He has indicated the Trump administration will take a starkly different approach at the USDA. Representing the campaign at the Farm Foundation Forum in October, Clovis told E&E News that Trump’s agriculture policy would focus on boosting trade and lessening regulation and not the impact of climate change.

Despite not having any actual experience with any kind of science whatsoever, Clovis knows that anything that would cause business owners to spend money to protect the environment is BAD SCIENCE. He doesn't need some egghead nerd to tell him that the USDA's job is to help farmers sell more hogs. Science Fact: Pigshit lagoons smell like patriotism!

Photo Credit: Mother Jones

If there's one thing Sam Clovis knows from his years as a defense contractor, it's that the government should not be killing jobs by making sure that drinking water is clean. And that Muslim immigration should be banned. And that Obama would have been impeached if he were white. Also, Hillary Clinton was a bad wife who is to blame for her husband's sexual predation.

Git 'er done, Sam! You're a natural!

[ Des Moines Register / WaPo / ProPublica / Republican Insanity ]

Only because we love you, we have spent the last hour looking at this gentleman's photographs! Don't forget to tip your server!

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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