Very Good Lawyer Rudy Giuliani Will Save Trump From All These Meddlesome Vote Counters!

White House
Very Good Lawyer Rudy Giuliani Will Save Trump From All These Meddlesome Vote Counters!

Oh, how we are looking forward to January when we won't have fat Nixon to kick around anymore! For today, though, we're lacing up our steel-toes for the latest gossipy leak report from Maggie Haberman, Alex Burns, and Jonathan Martin at the New York Times in which Jared Kushner goes looking for a 2000-era James Baker figure to lead the battle against voters and finds ... Rudy Giuliani, a man who can't even keep his fly up while being interviewed by Olivia Nuzzi and literally got caught by Borat with his hand in his pants.

And, lest we forget, James Baker had to stop a recount in just one state — a state that was controlled by George Bush's kid brother. Giuliani is tasked with halting the counts in Nevada, Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan, and Arizona, only two of which have Republican governors likely to play ball with a White House ratfucking attempt. Unfortunately, in one of those states Stacey Abrams seems to have cured just about every form of voter suppression left over from 2018, and the other was the home of the favorite son/war hero the president continues to attack even after his death. Dumb fuckin' luck!

The piece opens at a jubilant White House on Tuesday night as the Florida returns rolled in and the hundreds of assembled guests shoved sliders into their unmasked faces anticipating a repeat of 2016. It was all going so well until they were viciously stabbed in the back by Fox News calling Arizona for Joe Biden.

"Et tu, Brute?" they wailed, gnashing their capped teeth and spluttering bits of chewed french fries onto America's carpets. The president's people had already blabbed to every reporter in DC that he planned to declare victory on election night, and Fox's Arizona call really put a crimp in their plan. So Jared Kushner got on the horn with Rupert Murdoch, who told him to pound sand. And the campaign staff got on the horn with Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey, who told them they might still take it. And Jason Miller got on Twitter to whine some more. And Bill Stepien insisted that they were going to win the state by 30,000 votes, because it's fun to pull numbers out of your ass.

But the Fox call stood, and then the AP followed suit.

While the White House dithered, Vice President Joe Biden gave a presidential speech saying his team was confident they'd win once the vote was fully counted and urging Americans to respect the Democratic process.

When Trump finally appeared at 2:30, he did ... the opposite of that.

"This is a fraud on the American public," he told a crowd of supporters at 2:30 a.m., in remarks that were immediately criticized even by some of his allies, like Chris Christie, the former New Jersey governor. The president continued: "This is an embarrassment to our country. We were getting ready to win this election. Frankly, we did win the election."

And then Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Michigan were called for Biden, and it was clear we weren't in 2016 any more.

Luckily, Trump had a secret weapon! His trusted consigliere Jared Kushner lurched into action Wednesday, assembling a crack team to challenge the vote tallies.

Mr. Kushner was making calls, looking for what he described as a "James Baker-like" figure who could lead the legal effort to dispute the tabulations in different states, according to a person briefed on the discussions. (Mr. Baker led George W. Bush's successful recount case in 2000.) The president's eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., was working out of the campaign headquarters in Virginia. Another son, Eric Trump, whose wife, Lara, has been heavily involved in campaign activities, spoke at a news conference in Philadelphia, alongside Rudolph W. Giuliani, the former New York mayor.

"They're not letting poll watchers watch the polls," a visibly angry Eric Trump said, in a baseless attempt to cast doubt on the ballot counting still ongoing in Pennsylvania. Mr. Giuliani, the president's personal lawyer, also made the groundless assertion that the election in Pennsylvania was being stolen. He also floated the idea of a "national lawsuit" about allegations of fraud, but it was not clear what that meant.

Oooh, a national lawsuit. Be very afraid, Democrats.

And so we find ourselves on Thursday, with President Addlepate holed up at the White House tweeting "STOP THE COUNT!" and assorted nonsense about late-arriving absentee ballots — as if a handful of votes arriving after November 3 is likely to matter when Philly's absentee ballots are all processed and give Biden a 100,000 vote lead. Ditto for Michigan, where Biden is now up by 150,000. And a recount isn't likely to affect the outcome in Wisconsin where Biden leads by 20,000 votes, either, so the campaign has all-but abandoned the idea according to CNN's Jim Acosta.

Meanwhile, the wingnuttosphere is trying to score one last high off the fumes of its "red mirage" pretend victory, bought by Republican legislatures who made damn sure that the Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Michigan mail-in ballots — in which Biden was heavily favored — would be counted last. Newt Gingrich is concocting baseless conspiracies theories about massive vote fraud, while Lou Dobbs encouraged his viewers to head to Philadelphia and show those sissy Eagles fans what's what. (Yeah, pick a fight in Philly. We dare ya!)

And the bullshit lawsuits continue.

Tune in at 8:30 PST — that's like now! — to find out exactly which garbage theory they're cooking up to stop the vote count in Nevada. Can't hardly wait!


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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