Very Serious Journalists Wonder What Would Trump Do, Asking For Jesus
Clearly, the heathens at this here mommyblog have been doing this journalism thing all wrong! Apparently, we're supposed to wait and see which immoral narcissist Jesus appoints as our nation's leader, then prostrate ourselves before his graven image. And if we are so blessed as to find ourselves in his sacred presence, we must offer up prayers of exaltation. And never, ever release the transcript, which might subject His Grace to ridicule for his saintly inability to string together five cogent words. Plus it's probably best to keep all that bearing of false witness under wraps. Anyway, hosanna!
Luckily, we have the media titans at the Christian Broadcasting Network to show us how it's done. Yesterday CBN's David Brody and Jenna Browder sat down on Air Force One for a very serious interview with the Pussygrabber in Chief.
He is the energizer president, going from rally to rally with just days left before the midterm elections. The mainstream media have been saying for months a big blue Democrat wave is coming to wash over Trump and his party. But aboard Air Force One in his private office, the president told CBN News that he's not buying it.
"Well I think the blue wave is dead, frankly. And I think we're doing very well. It looks like we're going to win the Senate which is very important," President Trump said.
Ah yes, the indefatigable Donald Trump, whose presidential schedule includes a whole three hours of work today. With a break in the middle for lunch, naturally. Please, tell us more about this tireless warrior!
Our trip aboard Air Force One was a virtual whirlwind. At our stop in Florida, we went backstage for a glimpse of the calm before the Trump campaign storm, and the president was in rare form Thursday night.
Here on the ground in Florida, the energy for President Trump and these Republican candidates is palpable and so is that, 'Drain the swamp' anger. And he is also dishing out the red meat to voters – he does it all the time at these rallies and so the question is civility or as his critics say, the lack thereof. It's something we discussed with him on Air Force One.
Oh, dear! Looks like the president grabbed 'em by the commas. Well, that sometimes happens with a thrice-married serial adulterer who barebacks pornstars while his wife is post-partum and never attended church before his presidential bid. The Lord does work in mysterious ways!
"Well they're going to show up for me because nobody's done more for Christians or evangelicals or frankly religion than I have. You've seen all the things that we've passed including the Johnson Amendment and so many things we've nullified. Nobody's done more than we have. Mexico City, take a look at that. Things that frankly until Ronald Reagan, nobody did anything. So, I know they're very happy with me. We've seen they're very happy. The question is whether or not they're going to go out and vote when I'm not running. I have no doubt they're going to be there in '20. I hope they're going to be there now because it'll be a lot easier if they are, a lot better."
Indeed, religion itself owes Trump a debt of gratitude. Because ... Ronald Reagan and the Global Gag Rule, which starves mothers so that their fetuses might live, as Jesus intended. If only those other GOP candidates could be humble men of God, then voters might show up for them, too.
Some of his critics even call the president – whose daughter and son-in-law are Jewish – anti-Semitic and racist.
THEY MIGHT. But they would be wrong, since Donald Trump will be building holy tent cities in the desert to house these people until we can send them back to their shithole countries where they probably lived in mud huts. Really, it's better than they deserve, since, "I mean these are not, these are not angels as you would say, these are not angels."
"Well, we're going to build housing. Obviously, it has to be built very fast. And we are going to give them better housing than many of them have. We're going to hold them, we're not going to release them. We're going to hold them until their deportation hearing goes and their asylum hearings."
A non-believer might point out that dispatching thousands of troops and "putting up walls and barbed wire" is unnecessary if we intend to process these migrants for asylum claims. But not these faithful reporters!
Many Christians are praying for President Trump and Mike Pence – they hear about it all the time. CBN News asked, "How has that moved you because a lot of people think the empathy factor with you as president is on the low end if you will."
Trump replied, "I don't think they do think that. I think they think it's on the high end. Well maybe the critics say it because they're doing anything to get us all out of office. No, I think we've had tremendous support in the form of prayer and I get it all the time, 'I'm praying for you, Mr. President. I'm praying for you.' We, I hear it so much. It's nice and it's great to see it and great to hear it but all the time people are coming up to me and they're saying, 'Mr. President, I'm praying for you.' It's very nice."
Yes, let's all pray. Pray that one day we can be excellent, serious journalists like Jenna and David at CBN. Here's a 90-second clip the producers managed to find that manages to make President Holywater look only marginally insane.
EXCLUSIVE: CBN News Discusses Midterms with President Trump on Air Force One www.youtube.com
(And, PS, David Brody. I see you, Boychik. And if you think going to church will save you from Trump's pet Nazi brigade, you got another thing coming.)
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.