Video Proves Fake Democrats Better Than Real Republicans
It's got everything: Bernie Sanders telling America that Hillary makes the finest bean dip in all the land (PINTO! PINTO! HAHAHAHAHA!), Martin O'Malley innocently being For Confused about which hole babbies come out of, Jim Webb being just as creepy as the real Jim Webb (Sayonara, bitch!), and poor, poor Lincoln Chafee playing himself, also, too, even though he's not a candidate anymore.
Not featured: Lawrence Lessig, who was not in the first debate, and who "dropped out" of the presidential race Monday. This is why Wonkette never affixed his face to the front of any of the panties with teeth available in Ye Olde Wonkette Gifte Shoppe.
Maybe we should, though. Hey everyone, BIG ANNOUNCEMENT! We're launching a GoFundMe to make ONE PAIR of panties with Lawrence Lessig's face on them, to send to the "former candidate" as a sort of participation trophy. This probably will cost -- ten grand? Let's say ten grand. Won't you chip in some moneys to give Lawrence Lessig the panties he always wanted, even if he didn't know it?
Any extra donation moneys will be used for "running Wonkette."
We still have these panties though:
Heart-shaped ball of fire sold separately. (JUST FOOLING, you have to provide your own.)
Or maybe you just want coffee cups, to put your coffee in. That's allowed. Know what else you could put in your Wonkette coffee cups? THOSE PANTIES. Wonkette Gift Basket achievement unlocked!
There's also one with a Bernie Sanders face on it, and also this one, for you to make fun of all your teabagger family members on Thanksgiving morning, while you've got your hand up a vegan tofurkey's ass, putting dried tree bark inside it for stuffing or whatever you liberals eat, the fuck we know.
And your Hillary shirts!
And your Bernie shirts!
And your ... you know what? We can copy/paste the whole Wonkette store for you, or you can go browse it yourself and find the things you need to give all your friends, Romans and secret Bible study fuckbuddies, for Christmas or Hanukkah or Festivus or whatever it is you're planning to celebrate this year.
Now get to shopping, and watch your Bad Lip Reading and do your donation for the Lawrence Lessig "Where's My New Sex Panties?" toy drive, which we might not even do, because shut up, GIVE US MONEY AND GOODBYE.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.