Maybe not quite that empty. Just about, though.

As we mentioned yesterday, the Trump Inaugural folks may be getting a tad worried about the turnout they're going to have for the inauguration of the least-popular president-elect in modern history, at least since polling has been around. While we remain skeptical that the Trumpers are actually resorting to paying people to show up, they sure are promoting the ever-loving hell out of the inaugural, so as to let people know how easy and FREE it'll be to show up and cheer for the Great-Making Machine. Consider this example from the Facebooks:

You're over 27 and able to commute? Hurry on down before the good spots are all taken! Besides, Trump isn't really the least-liked new president: The polls are being deliberately skewed just to make him look bad!

The attendance for this inauguration is going to set records! Just like Trump's enormous landslide win did! He was among the top fifty electoral college wins, after all. Not to mention the HUGE numbers of people streaming into Washington (to protest):

You just keep believing that, Donnie. And pretend all the buses full of protesters are really chanting "Booo-Trump!" Maybe you can also find some way to explain why your phenomenal popularity is the real reason that ticket scalpers are losing their ticket scalper shirts trying to unload the premium seats they snapped up:

Yossi Rosenberg, 36, of upper Manhattan, told the Daily News he bought a pair of tickets to Friday's Washington, D.C. event from a woman in Westchester County for $700, thinking he could flip them for at least twice as much.

But nobody's biting.

"Nobody wants to buy them," Rosenberg told The News. "It looks like I'm stuck with them, I might even have to go."

Good god, man, there's taking a loss, and then there's just plain punishing yourself.

Rosenberg says he bought the tix on Craigslist from a "Second Amendment Activist," then tried to turn them around, both on Facebook and Craigslist, but there was no interest. Then, getting a little desperate, he tried some white supremacist websites, such as the Daily Stormer, but again was unable to drum up any interest. Sad! Weak! Actually, he should have known the neo-Nazis would all just go for the free seats anyway, because their money is going into weapons, ammo, and regalia for the coming Racial Holy War, duh.

Eventually, Rosenberg pinned them to the bulletin board in his office, where at least someone noticed 'em:

"Someone offered me $200 for the pair," he said, well below what he was looking for. "I guess his approval ratings aren't that high, right?"

Why, no. No they are not. Mr. Rosenberg may want to hold on to those tickets a little while longer, however, as the Independent reports the Trump Inaugural may finally have found an attraction people will turn out to see: A perfectly horrible new Vogon poem written to "pay tribute to his Scottish ancestry," which may well come to be seen as the Plan 9 From Outer Space of inaugural poetry. Robyn will be along shortly with a close reading, but sweet merciful Crom on a Segway, it's bad. Like, we thought maybe Trump had hired Mike Myers to come onstage and say "If it's nae Scottish, it's CRAP!" But this very special commemorative poem, perpetrated by "celebrated American poet Joseph Charles McKenzie of the Society of Classical Poets," is...something. We're not so sure about "celebrated" -- the first Google hit for him is wingnut blog "American Thinker"; subsequent hits suggest he's an anti-Vatican II Catholic writer. And his Extra Special Poetry Homepage makes it pretty clear that his latest "project" apart from the inaugural poem is self-published, because "A century of modernism has destroyed publishers’ ability to recognize, much less market, traditional lyric verse." As far as we can tell, the wingnut Catholic and the bad poet are the same guy. Anyway, to keep you busy until Robyn's Hot Take (which is up now, YAY!) here are the first two stanzas:

"Come out for the Domhnall, ye brave men and proud,

The scion of Torquil and best of MacLeod!

With purpose and strength he came down from his tower

To snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power.

Now the cry has gone up with a cheer from the crowd:

“Come out for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!”


When freedom is threatened by slavery’s chains

And voices are silenced as misery reigns,

We’ll come out for a leader whose courage is true

Whose virtues are solid and long overdue.

For, he’ll never forget us, we men of the crowd

Who elected the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

Tonstant Weader fwowed up her haggis. Oh, and it gets worse. Much worse. Somehow this gormless bunglecunt manages to take ersatz Robert Burns and apply it to political correctness, the economic bailout, the plight of the "black man forgotten, in poverty dying" -- no doubt in ghettos where you can't walk down the street without getting shot -- and even, yes, the crisis of "hapless old harridans flapping their traps / [who] Teach women to look and behave like us chaps."

Suck on THAT, Maya Angelou!

Forget what we said earlier about only showing up for the protests. People need to show up in huge numbers for this. And godspeed to whoever has the rotting vegetables concession.

Update: HuffPo says the poem is a big ol' fakey-fake, or at least that it's not an official inaugural poem. Whether the perpetrator is truly a bad writer or a brilliant troll/con artist remains to be seen. See longer update at end of the Poetry Contest Post.

[New York / Marinarachael on Twitter / NYDN / The Independent]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Dame Peggington Noonington awakened in the New York Publick Librarie in a daze. She did not know what series of unfortunate events had led to this moment, but she vaguely remembered that last time this happened a passerby on 5th Avenue had transported her there, having found her on a stoop with eyes glazed over, muttering "Buk! Buk!" If we're being honest, she was choking on gin, but the well-meaning Good Samaritan took her for a woman craving classic literature, and Peggy was OK with allowing that illusion to stand.

As she stumbled toward the exit to summon her chauffeur -- Manuel, who was also her houseboy, who probably was responsible entirely for her current predicament, and would be subject to a talking-to about his derring-do as soon as Peggy's head stopped pounding -- she happened upon a display of new arrivals. "Buk! Buk!" she said. Swallowing hard, she grabbed a copy of Michelle Obama's book and went out onto the New York street without actually checking the book out.

Peggy arrived home safely, if a bit worse for the wear. She had been thinking about America's royal families a lot lately, especially the genteel women who serve as First Lady. She was particularly charmed by Melania Trump's show of wicked mischief last week, firing the deputy national security adviser without regret! Peggy remembered how fun it is to fire people and stuck a Post-it on her forehead to remind her to fire Manuel later, for leaving her destitute among the commoners at the librarie.

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Congratulations to the Dear Leader on his flawless victory in court against the media dogs at the CNN cesspool of evil. Donald Trump is a champion of the people's right to civil discourse, and he will not hesitate to slap those who hurt the dignity of the Supreme Leadership. Take it from Ri Chun-hee Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

Today the court made clear that there is no absolute First Amendment right to access the White House. In response to the court, we will temporarily reinstate the reporter's hard pass. We will also further develop rules and processes to ensure fair and orderly press conferences in the future. There must be decorum at the White House.

Leave aside for a moment the screaming irony of the Pussgrab Administration lecturing the press on decorum. Literally none of what the Huckster said here is true. Judge Timothy Kelly ordered the White House Press Office to reinstate Jim Acosta's hard pass immediately on Fifth Amendment grounds. He didn't reach the First Amendment issues of press access because he didn't have to.

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