Walmart Training Video Will Scare You Away From Evil Mean Unions Forever

Here is a terrifying anti-union video, mandatory viewing for all new Walmart employees, and designed to warn the Walmart neophyte away from those scary union organizers who are trying to lure unsuspecting "associates" into their evil schemes. As propaganda, it ain't no Leni Riefenstahl, but it's enough to do the trick, we guess. And you'll hardly even notice that all the Genuine Walmart Associates are standing in front of green screen projections of Walmart locations. We know that some of you Wonkers never watch the videos, but this one is worth seeing, just for the sheer horror of it. If Barbara Ehrenreich could handle it, so can you.

The video starts with the usual crap about the joys of life as a Walmart "associate," with a reminder that you can "really make a difference in someone's day" and be part of a team! You can purchase Walmart stock and even work flexible hours. (The video hints that the store will be flexible for you, but you'll have the chance to learn the reality later.) There's a bizarre mention of the inspiring philosophy of "Mister Sam," Walmart founder Sam Walton, which is a nice update from the earlier edition of the video, which instead called him Bwana Sam.

The anti-union spigots open at around the 2:35 mark, when a smiling blue-vested dolt in front of a green-screened warehouse scene welcomes you to your new corporate home. "But the reality is, you're not the only one looking to get your foot in the door at Walmart." Labor unions want to infiltrate Walmart, and they've spent millions of dollars to get at your new employer! Good heavens! Do you need that union nonsense? Heck no! You'll do just fine with the in-house Christmas food drive for Walmart employees!

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I think you know by now that our company prefers to have open and direct communication with our associates -- we don’t think a labor union is necessary here. And because our associates have said time after time that they don’t want a union, we usually don’t spend a lot of time talking about them.

And then the video spends the next six minutes telling you why unions are bad and scary and really, just plain not anything a decent person would ever want to get mixed up with. We're informed, again, that unions have "spent a lot of time, effort, and money trying to convince Walmart associates to join a union -- all without any success." Not mentioned, of course, is Walmart's habit of closing stores that have voted to unionize. Or maybe it's just preparing for martial law.

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Mercy sakes, the unions have even said bad things about Walmart and tried to convince shoppers to go elsewhere! Our next guide to the horrors of unions, Commonsense Lady in the green-screened produce department, doesn't see why the unions would even play such crazy games:

I don't get it. How would it make sense for an associate to join any union that wants to damage our reputation, and drive business away from our doors so associates don't get hours? It just doesn't make sense!

Commonsense Lady clears up a couple of misconceptions about unions. They're not like a club or a charity that are out to help workers; oh no, they are much more sinister:

The truth is, unions are businesses -- multi-million-dollar businesses that make their money by convincing people like you and me to give them part of our paycheck. So you have to wonder: are they really just interested in the welfare of Walmart associates, or is there something more at stake?

Like maybe ... socialist world domination?

Next, it's Grizzled Warehouse Guy, whose previous job required him to be in a union, and he didn't like it at all! For one thing, they deducted dues from his paycheck, "just like taxes." He's learned his lesson: "Believe me, joining a union isn't anything I ever want to do again!" At Walmart, you're in control of your own destiny, while with a union, someone else is setting the agenda. No thanks! Also, a big computer graphic of money stacking up shows that unions are corrupt or something. Grizzled Warehouse Guy points out that union membership has declined since the 1950s, and that's why they're so desperate to get their hooks into Walmart associates. Don't fall for their schemes! Remember, Work makes you free, just like the Walmart posters say.

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Finally, we get the official word on where Walmart stands on all of this: It's "pro-associate," which means you can talk to your manager and be ignored on a personal, one-to-one basis. "Frankly, I don’t think Walmart associates should have to have someone to speak for them. It’s just not that kind of place." Isn't that just the sweetest thing?

The video ends with a warning against signing a union card or petition, because there's no telling what those crafty union organizers might do with your signature -- you're giving them permission to speak for you, and you might not even agree with what they want! Whereas without a union, you know exactly where you stand: Your manager tells you what to do and you do it, the way God and George Washington intended. And if you join a union, you could actually ruin things for everyone: "[Signing] a union card isn’t just about you. You could also be affecting the people who have worked here for years.” Try to unionize, and Walmart just might have to shut down your store, and then everyone will hate you.

The happy Walmart team wishes you all the best, adding, "We hope that you never have to deal with a union organizing drive in your facility, but if you do, we hope this video has given you the information you need to stay in control of your valuable signature and your career."

And then the new employees all put on their purity rings and pledged to save their signatures for Mister Sam, amen.


Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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