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Is it possible that President Trump talked all that smack about North Korea to distract from the shitshow on the opioid crisis? Or was he just tripping his orange balls off? Because that thing was FUBAR!

It started out normal for Trumpland, just the old goat wowing us with his MAJOR vocabulary and RT'ing his pals at the Dick Pic network.

Melania's assistant even tweeted a stock photo of some scary pills to show FLOTUS's deep concern for the youth/people.

But then the White House social media director took half a Valium, just to take the edge off.

And things went downhill fast. Specifically, Donald Trump started talking.

Today I'm pleased to receive a briefing from our team on ways we can help our communities combat this absolutely terrible epidemic and keep youth from going down this deadly path. The best way to prevent drug addiction and overdose is to prevent people from abusing drugs in the first place. If they don't start, they won't have a problem. If they do start, it's awfully tough to get off. So if we can keep them from going on and maybe by talking to youth and telling them: No good, really bad for you in every way. But if they don't start, it will never be a problem.

OHHHHH. We'll just tell the kids that drugs are no good, really bad for you. Why didn't anyone think of that before?

But soon there will be a wall with Mexico to keep out all the heroin. And Donald Trump will lock up all the evil pushers in New Hampshire who get rich selling drugs "for less money than candy because there is so much of it." It will be just like the '80s when Republicans solved the crack epidemic with mandatory minimums!

At the end of 2016, there were 23 percent fewer federal prosecutions than in 2011, so they looked at this scourge and they let it go by. We're not letting it go by! [...] The average sentence for a convicted federal drug offender decreased 20 percent from 2009 to 2016.

Fun Fact: In 2010, Congress passed the Fair Sentencing Act reducing the disparity in penalties for powder and crack cocaine. Which Obama signed because he wanted to get drug dealers back on the street to sell heroin obviously, it is just kind of his "thing"!

So, we're going to do our job, we're going to get it going. We're going to have a tremendous team of experts and people that want to beat this horrible situation that has happened in our country -- and we will. We will win. We have no alternative. We have to win for our youth. We have to win for our young people -- and, frankly, we have to win for a lot of other people, not necessarily young that are totally addicted and have serious, serious problems.

Ummmm...okay, Poppy.

Then Trump got his "major briefing" off-camera. All the heavy-hitters were there: Melania, Jared, Kellyanne, John Kelly, HHS Secretary Tom Price. They even let the acting head of the Office of National Drug Control Policy sit in, which was a nice gesture, considering the Trump administration plans to cut ONDCP's budget by 96%. This was definitely NOT a charade to make it look like the President is doing something besides golfing and tweeting at the television for two weeks while he's holed up at his trash palace in New Jersey.

LOLOLOL!!! It totally was.

Which would all be HAR-HAR HILARIOUS if drugs weren't killing at least 59,000 Americans per year. The President's own Commission on Combating Drug Addiction and the Opioid Crisis just issued an interim report with several specific recommendations, including:

  • Allow Medicaid funds to pay for residential rehab in larger facilities with more than 16 beds;
  • Force insurers to pay for mental health treatment as required by "law," aka Obamacare;
  • Buy more Naloxone;
  • Buy more Methadone;
  • Buy more Suboxone;
  • Buy Fentanyl detectors for law enforcement agencies.

But all of that COSTS MONEY. And, Hellloooo!!! The Trump administration is gearing up to give all the money away to rich people this fall. So instead the nation got a healing press conference with Tom Price and Kellyanne Conway.

Kellyanne said something or other about drugs being everywhere and terrible. Honestly, all we ever hear is her Jersey accent.

(PSSSST! Kellyanne! Girl, I'm from the Mid-Atlantic, too. You really don't have to go through life sounding like a teenager sellin' carmul coorn day-uwn by da shore. Not even Chris Christie talks like that!)

And Tom Price told some lies about Trump being "absolutely, fully engaged on a tragedy that is crossing the country," even though he's not going to declare a state of emergency like his own Committee told him to.

Then Price lied some more and said, "Nobody is interested in cutting Medicaid."

But no one noticed, since his boss had just threatened to start a nuclear war with North Korea. Assuming that we don't all go up in a giant mushroom cloud, though, we can look forward to exactly one response to the drug epidemic from the Trump administration.

LOCKING UP MORE BROWN PEOPLE.

Other than that, he ain't gonna do shit!

[Trump transcript via Daniel Dale Twitter / Opioid Task Force Interim Report / WaPo / ABC / CNN]

Please send us money so we can make words gooder like the President! We promise not to use it on drugs!

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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