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We knew Fox News would be lit last night after that Robert Mueller press conference, but holy shit boy howdy. Let's look at some highlights!

First, we must sadly report that Eric Trump is experiencing some confusion, because Robert Mueller clearly spent his time at the podium speaking "in code." Like, Eric Trump knows about "codes," because he has definitely seen a cartoon about a private eye named Inspector Gadget at least a hundred thousand times, and therefore has the expertise to know when a man is speaking "in code." And why? Because Deep State, we are guessing!

He explained this to Lou Dobbs, who was also, as usual, experiencing confusion.


"He said today 'I stand by everything in the report.' Albeit he just didn't come out and say, 'Guys, after two and a half years, there was no collusion and there was no obstruction,'" he continued. "He was talking in code."

Do you see what Eric Trump is saying? Mueller said, "I stand by everything in the report" instead of saying NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, and that is what Daddy says the report says, so it must be true! Perhaps young Eric has not read the Mueller Report (likely, the Trumps aren't really the type of family that reads), or perhaps he is just lying (likely, because the Trump's aren't really the type of family who open their mouths and say something true).

Still, we hate to be the ones to break the news to The Third Thing That Happened When Donald Trump Reproduced that the Mueller Report doesn't say "NO COLLUSION." In fact, it spends a lot of time talking about how "no collusion" is a bullshit construction, spends almost 200 pages detailing creepy and possibly illegal contacts between the Trump family, the Trump campaign, and the Russians, and finally explains that due to a number of factors -- including witnesses who lied and deleted their communications -- Mueller had insufficient evidence of a full-blown conspiracy, specifically applied to the two primary Russian active measures campaigns against the election he investigated.


As for "NO OBSTRUCTION," the Mueller Report did not say that either! Mueller said yesterday, as he did in the report, that if he was able to determine that Trump definitely did not commit a crime, he'd have been just goshdarn DELIGHTED to say it. And the report -- again for almost 200 pages -- details a metric shitload of actions Trump took, along with evidence and analysis of those incidents, squared with obstruction of justice law. Since we read the report, we can confidently say Mueller laid out lots of crimes committed by young Eric's daddy, as daddy obstructed an investigation into a LITERAL ATTACK ON OUR ELECTORAL SYSTEM BY ONE OF OUR MOST HOSTILE ENEMIES.

In other words, bless Eric Trump's dumb heart, and also fuck Eric Trump.

The rest of Fox was equally stupid and weird and bad last night. (And it was stupid and bad this morning, too! But this post isn't about that.)

Tucker Carlson told the same lies Eric Trump told, saying the Mueller Report says NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, because Fox News hosts are well aware that their average viewer is functionally illiterate and will never look up the Mueller Report for themselves on the internet.

Tucker Carlson also whined about how Mueller is one of those people he "used to admire from afar," but now he thinks Mueller is "sleazy and dishonest," based on how Mueller refuses to skullfuck the United States Constitution to protect the criminal president Tucker Carlson worships. Carlson added that "it pains him" to say that. He's just agonizing over it, while he cashes his millions in Fox paychecks, money he uses to fund his racist shitheel lifestyle.

After scoffing that there was "zero evidence" that Russia's brazen attack on the 2016 election had any effect, despite how the Mueller Report and the entire US intelligence community SEEM TO HAVE A LOT OF FUCKING EVIDENCE, Carlson fucked one of the chickens he fucks on TV with some regularity, saying that the real threat to our elections is Mexico. You know, because Americans with Mexican heritage vote. And Tucker Carlson doesn't like Mexicans. Because Tucker Carlson is a white supremacist. And his audience is full of white supremacists.

There was Sean Hannity, who doesn't even pretend to be a Fox News legal analyst who graduated from some clown college in flyover hell, declaring that Mueller "doesn't know the law," and that Mueller is "basically full of crap."

And then there was Laura Ingraham, shouting her ass off about ... something? She seems to be mad that Robert Mueller even made a statement, because he is not the boss, Bill Barr is the boss of Mueller?

Oh HAHA, we get it, it's because when Bill Barr talks about the Mueller Report, he lies for Donald Trump, but when Mueller talks about the Mueller Report, he tells the truth.

We do see why that would make Fox News mad.

[videos via Andrew Lawrence]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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