Hook 'em horns ... OR SATAN???


When we heard that Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton were finally campaigning together (and in matching outfits! BY ACCIDENT!) in Ohio, we said, "hmmmm, could that be something Wonkers would like to watch and fap to, together???" And then we watched it, and the answer was yes! So grab your tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and put your penis in it, because it is time for all good Americans to come together, masturbatorily.

First, let's take a moment to note that Hillary Clinton is really pretty, which nobody ever mentions, because of how they can't see how pretty she is past the scary teeth in her vagina. Chick is 68 years old. Yeah, she's got people with makeup and hair stuff and expensive clothes, but you would not say no to looking like that if you were a 68-year-old woman, or having sex with it if you were an 88-year-old man but not any younger than 88 because get real, THIS IS AMERICA.

Now that that is out of the way, let us transcribe you a few of our favorite lines from Elizabeth Warren's introduction of her new bestest friend, enemy of everything good and right in the world neoliberal Wall Street whore Hillz Clinton!

Elizabeth Warren: "Donald Trump says we'll make America great again. It's stamped there on the front of his goofy hat! You wanna see goofy? look at him in that hat! But when Donald Trump says great, I ask great for who exactly?"

WHOM, ELIZABETH WARREN. WHOM. Just because you are laughing at Donald Trump for calling you "goofy" doesn't mean the rules of words don't apply!

"For millions of kids struggling to pay for an education ... for millions of seniors barely surviving on Social Security ... for millions of families that don't fly to Scotland to play golf? [...] He will crush you into the dirt to get whatever he wants, that's who he is.

"What kind of a man? A nasty man who will never become president of hte United States, because Hillary Clinton will be the next president of hte United States ... because she knows what it takes to beat a thin-skinned bully who is driven by greed and hate [...] not by tucking tail and running but by standing your ground and fighting back.

"She doesn't whine, she doesn't run to twitter to call her opponents fat pigs or dummies.

"Here's what it boils down to: Hillary has brains, she has guts, she has thick skin and steady hands but most of all she has a good heart, and that's what America needs, and that's why I'm with her. Are you with her? YES! Yes!"

"Yes I say yes I will yes." Doesn't it sound like Elizabeth Warren is having a Ulysses orgasm? Yes!

And that is all! Then Hillary came on and said some stuff too, but that is in a different video that I don't feel like finding right now.

Now, for the only important question in the world, does this mean Elizabeth Warren is going to be Vice Hillz in the White House? YES IT DOES AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME DIFFERENTLY I DO NOT HEAR YOU LALALA.

Unless it is Xavier Becerra, because HELLO PAPI.

The end.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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