America, apparently

Resting rage face Gov. Chris Christie -- who is not going to be president; hell, he'll be lucky if he makes the cut for the next debate -- has a new ad. And yes, it is mildly amusing in its near-but-not-quite completeness of the Oogly Boogly Checklist Of Oogly Boogly Words That Make Republicans Wet Themselves:

Lawlessness [check] in America and around the world under Barack Obama [check].

Sanctuary cities [check] engulfing Americans in crime [check].

Drugs [check] running rampant and destroying lives.

ISIS [check] beheading [check] Christians [check -- triple word score!].

Iranian [check] radicals [check, even though redundant, obviously] and nuclear weapons [check].

Now, Hillary Clinton [check] thinks the law doesn't apply to her.

We are quite familiar with most of those tired talking points, but the assertion that President Barry H. (for heroin, apparently) Obama has turned us all into junkies is a new one to us. Hey, Huffington Post, why don't you do the journalism on that for us, would ya?

The heroin epidemic actually began nearly two decades before Obama took office. It started with the spread of OxyContin and Percocet addictions. "Pill mills" helped spur these painkiller addictions in Florida, Kentucky and West Virginia. But during the Obama administration, a crackdown on the mills helped spur a resurgence in heroin use.

Hmm, why does OxyContin sound so familiar? Oh right, because medically flaccid Rush Limbaugh was all kinds of strung out on it that one time, before Barack Obama was president:

Prosecutors began investigating Limbaugh in 2003 after the National Enquirer reported his housekeeper's allegations that he had abused OxyContin and other painkillers. He soon took a five-week leave from his radio show to enter a rehabilitation program and acknowledged he had become addicted to pain medication. He blamed it on severe back pain.

CBS News comedically reminds us that Limbaugh had called for harsh sentences for drug crimes -- you know, before he turned out to be a junkie his own self:

"Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. ... And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up," Limbaugh said on his short-lived television show on Oct. 5, 1995.

Ah memories. But anyway, that's all behind us now, and behind Rush, too, since he begged for leniency and went to rehab for his DRUG CRIMES. Maybe he can be the drug czar in President Christie's administration, to clean up America's drug problem that we definitely did not have until President Bamz took office, no sir. Heck, we never had any problems of any kind whatsoever -- no terrorism, no crime, no beheadings, no Iran, no Hillary Clinton even! America definitely needs a GRRRRRR TOUGH tough guy like Chris Christie to fix all that, according to tough guy Chris Christie:

We need a strong law enforcer as president. Someone who says what he means and means what he says. We can do it. Let's make America a leader again.

Christ, what a sad trombone closing pitch that is. Dude, put down the snacky treats and pay attention to the guy who is kicking your ass. Promising to make America a leader again is not nearly as sexxxy as promising to make America GREAT! again. And while we're kicking Christie right in the groin, let's point out that he couldn't even get a Bingo! on his checklist of scary words. He left out Benghazi, fercrissake. What kind of Republican would make such an error?

No wonder Christie's this close to not even being a presidential candidate anymore. What a loser.

[HuffPo / CBS News]