We Assume NRA's Wayne LaPierre And Wife Killed These Elephants For Self-Defense, To Save Country From Tyranny

Guns

Just when you thought you could not hate the NRA and its vile CEO Wayne LaPierre more, the New Yorker publishes a video of him and his horrible wife Susan murdering two majestic elephants in Botswana. As someone who watched the whole thing, I can assure you that it will help you plumb new depths of loathing and disgust.

Also, don't watch it. Just, really, don't. LaPierre, a famously lousy shot, fires repeatedly at the elephant without killing it, forcing his companion Tony Makris to put it out of its misery. This despite the animal being the size of an elephant and showing little fear of its pursuers. Perhaps sensing LaPierre's sheepishness, his entourage spends several minutes congratulating him on his stamina and bravery. He managed to keep up as the trackers followed the animal for a whole two hours!


LaPierre's wife manages to kill her elephant more efficiently. But the footage of Susan LaPierre, sporting giant diamond studs and immaculate makeup, hair, and manicure, giggling with glee as she surveys a poor, dead animal is truly gross.

"That was amazing," Susan says, patting her chest. "Wow. My heart is racing. I feel great." She walks over to the elephant. "That was awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome." She inspects the elephant, bends at the waist, and seems to think the elephant is still alive. "Aww, he's still there. Look at his eyes." She places her hand on her chest, laughs, walks around the elephant, and pats one of its tusks. "Beautiful animal," she says, and then, speaking to the elephant, "You're a good old guy. A real good old guy."

Then she proceeds to cut off the animal's tail and pose with it, like a triumphant warrior, rather than a pampered princess who wandered around the bush for a couple of hours until paid guides managed to line up a shot at a 13,000-lb beast which was standing next to its family bothering no one.

Believe it or not, these assholes actually filmed this spectacle with an eye to putting it on television. In 2012, the LaPierres traveled to Botswana's Okavango Delta with Makris, host of the NRA-sponsored program "Under Wild Skies," a hunting show that airs on the Outdoor Channel. Makris is a top executive at Ackerman McQueen, the NRA's longtime advertising company currently involved in a trench war with the gun charity — safe to assume that he's not taking the LaPierres out to murder any more ancient animals.

In 2013 an episode of Makris killing another elephant on "Under Wild Skies" provoked an outcry, which appears to be why NBC stopped taking the NRA's money to air the show. It was only after that kerfuffle that someone at NRA HQ took a step back and said, "Gee, Wayne, maybe we ought to rethink this whole elephant shoot thing ..." Before that, they all thought it would be a terrific way for the NRA's front man to bolster his manly-man bona fides.

Because nothing says "alpha male" like spending thousands of dollars a day to get locals to round up a giant beast and literally aim the gun in your hands at it, right?

The African bush elephant was placed on the endangered species list after the hunt. But don't worry, the LaPierres still got to keep their trophies. The New Yorker reports that Susan LaPierre had the animals' feet shipped to the US in anonymous packaging — "A man travelled two hours to Johannesburg to remove the couple's names from shipping crates" — where she had them turned into footstools.

And now we will GTFO of this post before we're forced to banhammer ourselves.

[New Yorker]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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