Raise Your Hand If You Want To Go To A Party With Matt Gaetz

National Politics
Raise Your Hand If You Want To Go To A Party With Matt Gaetz

One more Gaetz for the day before we will have reached our limit.

Ever wonder what it's like to go to one of those parties Matt Gaetz went to? CNN did, so CNN found out! Oh no, did CNN go to a party with Matt Gaetz and go upstairs and do Picture This We Were Both Butt-Nakeds with Matt Gaetz?

No, they did not. (OR DID THEY?)


But they got some reporting on what those little soirees were like.

First, they took your phone.

Or at least the women who attended these parties in greater Orlando with Gaetz and other gross Florida Man Republicans were asked to put their phones "away," because the gross Florida Man Republicans "did not want the night's activities documented."

Sometimes the gross Florida Man Republicans were "dressed in formal wear" from going to this event or that. And as for the activities, the people at the parties "mingled and shared drugs like cocaine and ecstasy." Also "some had sex."

Gaetz, the brash Republican, liked to discuss politics, said one of the women. He behaved like a "frat type of party boy," she said, sometimes taking pills she believed were recreational drugs.

That seems about right. In the limited clique of Republican politics, one of the only cliques we can imagine where someone like Matt Gaetz could set himself up as one of the popular kids, we imagine he would act like that.

OK, so Matt Gaetz would pill himself, allegedly, and then what?

After some parties, money would change hands.

Oh. Maybe they were just handing an extra big tip to the Lyft driver to make sure they got these nice ladies home safely?

One of the women said she received money from Greenberg after some of the parties. She said that some of the payments were for providing sex but would not say who she slept with. She did say she never received money directly from Gaetz.

Read that closely. Note that she didn't tell CNN she did not have sex with Matt Gaetz. She said some of the payments were for sex, but did not say with whom. She said she got money from Greenberg after some of the parties, but that she never directly received money from Gaetz. We'll wait to let prosecutors tell us how hard the word directly is working there, or if it's hardly workin'.

Please refer back to our story about the Matt Gaetz Venmo receipts, where Gaetz would send money to Joel Greenberg, where he'd say "Hit up _______" and then the next day Greenberg would send very young women money totaling just about exactly the amount Gaetz had sent him the night before, for "tuition" or "school." (You know how "tuition" and "school" always cost only $900 these days.)

Are these two stories talking about the same thing? Again, we'll let the prosecutors type all that out if and when the time comes.

Not all the parties were at fancy houses in the Orlando suburbs. Sometimes they were at hotels:

Some of the parties were more low-key affairs, the other woman said. Some took place in hotel suites at the end of alcohol-filled political functions.

"No one ever wants to stop partying, stop drinking, once you've had a few glasses of champagne in you," she said.

All of this just sounds like good clean fun. We bet Matt Gaetz usually brought his Bible, and read it with just about everybody. "Go out by the swimming pool for Bible study with Brother Gaetz," that is a probably what everybody always said at these parties.

Really at this point we're most curious what Gaetz's fiance thinks about all these stories. He just seems like such a swell guy, after all.

If you missed this morning's Matt Gaetz Peener Burst Of News Updates, the big news was that Gaetz's buddy Joel Greenberg has reportedly been cooperating with the authorities for quite a while. Oh, and also that they seized Gaetz's iPhone way back in the winter. If you haven't read that one yet, you certainly ought to.

As for us, we restate what we said this morning. Indict the motherfucker or don't, because this is getting tedious. We never actually wanted to read spy romance novels about Matt Gaetz's penis, as the hero of the story is unattractive and appears to smell of Axe Body Spray, dirty gym socks behind an unmade bed where mom will surely never find them, and regret.

None of that is compelling.



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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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