We Took A Week Off, Is Florida Still Dumb? (Yes): Your Florida Roundup
Did you miss Yr Florida Correspondent? Of course you did. Who else would put up with this putrid morass of dumb, for your edification and amusement? No one, that’s who. (Make your checks payable to CASH, please and thank you.)
Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?
We shall begin where these things always seem to begin: Fucking on a playground.
The kids could see sex from the seesaw.
A Florida couple got cuffed and charged with lascivious behavior for having sex near a playground in broad daylight in front of children, police said.
In fairness, by the time the cops showed up, the couple had moved their shag fest from the great outdoors to their pickup truck, which was right decent of them.
Speaking of naked people (and we always are, aren’t we?), this guy:
Fort Pierce police at 3:07 a.m. March 11 went to North 15th Street and G Terrace after a report of a shirtless man jumping on a vehicle, according to records.
Investigators encountered Antuan Anderson, 32, on the ground, naked and screaming. A St. Lucie County Sheriff’s deputy had him at gunpoint. Anderson started kicking and spitting and exclaimed, “I’m famous now look at what I did.”
Dude knows what makes you Florida-famous.
Florida Man Goes Legit
Florida Man has reached new heights of popularity — seriously, somebody polled “Florida Man’s” popularity, and lo and behold:
For the record, that 19-4 approval/disapproval is better than comic-book villain Gov. Rick Scott (42-46) but not quite as good as Jesus’ Favorite Quarterback™, Tim Tebow (53-13). Oh, and Floridians also want to legalize medical dope and accept federal money to expand Medicaid, but we won't do either of those things, because we are dumb.
In other Dumb Florida Politician News, Sen. Marco Rubio is (probably) going to announce his presidential campaign soon, hooray!
Marco Rubio has reserved the Freedom Tower in downtown Miami for an undisclosed event April 13, which appears to be a potential, if not likely, spot for Florida’s junior senator to announce his candidacy for president.
What Could Go Wrong
Did you know that in Florida, you can legally build your own backyard gun range? Of course you did.
A bill to curb gun ranges in backyards did not make it out of a Florida House committee, failing on an 8 to 5 vote Tuesday.
State Rep. Darryl Rouson, D-St. Petersburg filed HB 623 after a St. Pete man set up a gun range in his yard, prompting complaints and an online petition from neighbors asking for the bill. And that's just the latest incident in the state.
Current Florida statutes say it's against the law to fire a gun in a residential area for recreation, but it says nothing about backyard gun ranges.
It’s not like Florida’s insane gun culture has ever done any real damage to anyone, right?
A 13-year-old Florida boy killed his 6-year-old brother and wounded an older sibling following a food disagreement -- then committed suicide with the same gun, authorities said.
"This is a nightmare when you hear about the ages of these boys," said Pasco County Sheriff Chris Nocco. "A 6-year-old that was probably playing in his room, an argument over food, and he lost his life."
Do Not Do This At Home
If you are going to get faded and drive around with an injured owl — which, unlike blasting some caps in your backyard, for fun and profit, is somehow illegal — it would be best not to film and confess the fucking thing on Facebook.
The video was uploaded to Facebook on March 16. It shows two men driving around with the owl, which appeared to be dazed or stunned. The man who claims to have filmed the video wrote on his page that he and his friend found the owl while driving around West Palm Beach.
"Three a.m. in the morning we are drunk and we are high 'bout to take this thing home and eat it up just found it on the road," the post says.
Florida apparently has a new hybrid breed of termites that will eat us all.
Sugrue sends termite specimens to researchers at the University of Florida and says the Asian subterranean termites alone are destructive.
He says the Asian termite came to South Florida through the port of Palm Beach and have infested areas throughout the county, specifically Riviera Beach.
Now, scientists say they are mating with the formidable subterranean termite, creating a new kind of hybrid. If they are able to coexist, the sheer numbers will be a threat to homes and buildings.
This Will Surprise You
Huh. It turns out some Florida cops are racist douchebags. Imagine that.
Did you watch the video? Did you notice all the police dogs attacking black men, the casual use of the n-word, the Klan hood at the 0:28 mark? Pretty racist, right?
But it was all Just For Laffs, so chill out, everybody.
When they were confronted by investigators, three of the officers suggested that the video was a regrettable attempt at humor, and that their use of the word “nigger” was not reflective of their true feelings about African-Americans.
They’ve all been fired or forced to resign, so … good.
Never Change, Florida
And finally, Florida’s war on people who do not think we should sit idly by while our state not-so-slowly sinks into the sea continues apace. Here’s a video of Florida’s emergency chief refusing to say the words “climate change” or “global warming,” and we’re all fucked.
A high-level employee in the state Department of Environmental Protection now says he was suspended and told to get a medical evaluation for refusing to purge mentions of climate change from a state record. … Bibler altered the header to remove Lazar's name from the notes, but he kept all the mentions of climate change. That, PEER says, led to the state putting Bibler on leave and telling him not to come back until he was cleared by a doctor. His reprimand cited the state's ordinance against public employees doing political lobbying while on the job.
Florida, keep burying your head in the sand (which won’t be there much longer anyway), and we’ll keep loving you for being you.