We Watched Mike Lindell's Screed To SCOTUS So You Don't Have To

Over the weekend MyPillow guy Mike Lindell sat down with some rightwing loon to lay out his plan to get Donald Trump back to the White House by August. And, no joke, this plan is AWESOME. No, really, we are in awe.

Just look at this shit.

No idea who that weirdo on the left is or how he managed to reach adulthood without watching any "Schoolhouse Rock" videos. Here's hoping there's something strong in that Trump coffee mug!

Just off the bat, there may be one or two minor problems with Lindell's plan to sic his lunatic followers on the justices and peer pressure them into overturning the election. For instance, the Supreme Court is in recess during the month of July and won't be hearing any cases until the fall. Plus the Supreme Court is an appellate court, with original jurisdiction only when one state is suing another. Also that jurisdiction is discretionary, as Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton found out in December when he rounded up a bunch of the dumbest Republicans in the land to try this shit the last time. So even if Lindell somehow manages to find some braindead state AG to sign on to his case and sue Pennsylvania or Michigan or Georgia, this suit is DOA.

But since we are stuck with this wacko for all eternity, we thought we'd watch his latest amateur porno (OMG, blech, just kidding) and see what the hell he's on about. It's called "Absolutely 9-0." Get it?


Here's the video to follow along as we liveblog it, if you have very bad judgment.

0:05 Hell, yeah, baby, check out those graphics! Only the finest middle school AV club for the Pillow Man.

0:20 Lindell, who looks like he's switched to a tawny shade of Just for Men in preparation for White Loon Summer, explains that he found out in January that China hacked our election. We seem to remember him yelling a lot about it in November and December, too, before he got that "proof." Go know.

0:32 "This was something that came through the machines. The Dominion machines!"

Just lean all the way into giving Dominion fuel for its defamation suits. Embrace it. Roll around in it like a dog who found the remains of a week old rat corpse.

0:40 "This was a cyber attack I didn't know anything about cyber attacks!"

Hmmmm. You don't say.

1:07 "When this gets before the Supreme Court, it's going to be 9-0, 9-0 to pull this election down and that this was 100 percent an attack by China on our country through these machines."

1:30 Ooh, time to meet the Pillow Sniffer's "cybersecurity experts." Cue the footage of guys in hoodies typing on ancient desktop computers in a dark room!

OMG, wait for it ...


White dude in a hoodie? Sounds legit.

SCOTUS just looooooves unidentified expert witnesses. It's like Chief Justice Roberts's favorite thing.

2:27 Please, scroll some random numbers on the screen and tell me it's nefarious. I have no freaking idea what it is, and neither does Mike Lindell. But this guy absolutely knows, so let him 'splain to you why it's bullshit.

2:51 Mike Lindell wonders if this is "cyberforensics?"

Mr. Pixel explains that these are data packets moving through space, which his team was "blessed and fortunate" to record by methods unspecified. Hosanna!

"What a blessing it is that we have the evidence!" shouts Lindell.

FWIW, the general consensus on Twitter seems to be that these charlatans downloaded the publicly available Pennsylvania voter rolls, recorded the data moving through cyberspace, and are now pointing to it as proof that someone nefariously stoled it to rig the election.

5:26 The Pillow Pumper says this is the first evidence of wholesale manipulation by a foreign actor, as differentiated from the "organic cheating" going on at the polling places by having dead people vote, etc.

Why did the "heroes" who collected this data on the night of the election wait until January to bring it to Mike Lindell's attention?

Seems like kind of a weak plot point, TBQH. Gonna need a steamy sex scene or car chase to make up for that kind of blunder.


6:29 "PCAP." Drink!

Mike Lindell has no bloody idea what that hoody dude is on about, he's just clinging to that "PCAP" term like a lifeboat, although one time he gets confused and calls it a "CPAC." Doh!

8:53 Lindell explains that they chose 20 of these precious PCAPs at random and "tested them," which took "four to six weeks to validate." If I've understood this correctly, this is a task only slightly more complicated than tracing an IP address.

Which just goes to show ya how amazingly thorough Mike Lindell's saintly hackers were!

Anyway, from those 20 random PCAPs, Lindell confirmed that Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Arizona, Michigan, and Georgia were all HACKED.

10:20 Here's a list of those 20 rando PCAPs, traced back to the theoretical computer it originated from, which the hacker assures Lindell resulted in 20 votes being changed. No, he does not have evidence of that, but he has something better. A TABLE.

"I made 'em all validate the validation," Lindell says for the second time, assuring the viewers that he's not some gullible hick getting taken for an expensive ride by a bunch of hucksters who know just enough to sound credible to someone who probably can't program an alarm clock.

"We validated the validation that was validated," Hacker X agrees.

And no, I didn't make that up.

13:23 OMG, this is soooooo booooring. Look, the whole house of cards seems to rest on an assumption that a PCAP can't be faked, and thus all these bits of data moving back and forth on November 3 and 4 must be evidence of something. Except apparently that's not true?

14:37 Anonymous Hacker Dude assures Mike Lindell that this is the good shit, not ditchweed.

"This is robbing the bank and having it on video."

"We have what everyone would ever want if there was a crime committed cyber-ly, a cyber attack," Lindell parrots back jubilantly.

We almost feel sorry for a deeply unwell person being led astray. But not quite.

15:24 Here's another table "proving" that thousands of votes were flipped. Pretty weird how all these missing votes didn't show up on any of the manual recounts. Damn, those Chinese election stealers are good!

16:20 Hey, remember that classic episode of This American Life, "A Little Bit of Knowledge?" It was about autodidacts who DO UR OWN RESEARCH themselves into believing completely wrong things, and can't be unconvinced of their wrongness. In that case it was a guy who decided he'd disproved Einstein's theory of relativity.

Anyway, it's instructive.

17:00 Dear God, this braying jackass is asking this pixelated doofus whether it's possible the Supreme Court will be anything other than unanimous when presented with his evidence.

"Is there any way it could be five to four? Or six to three that this is real? Or eight to one? Or does it have to be 9-0?"

"No," insists this rando non-law dude. "It's irrefutable."

"Sometimes you have little specks of blood, right?" Hackerman says a minute later. "This is a bucket of it."

"Wow, that's so awesome," Lindell laughs giddily. "Now everyone knows why I've had the confidence I've had over the last couple months."

Well, actually ...

18:20 LOL, okay. This is the slide where Lindell shows that just 20 PCAPs show enough votes to flip all five states.

Not for nothing, but if there were "thousands" of attacks, switching thousands of votes each, then there would be like millions and millions of votes switched, but no paper trail?

Pretty sure Einstein would not agree. But then again, he didn't know anything about attacking something cyber-ly.

"It had to be done with computers. It had to be done with the machines!"

22:03 They just finished a long colloquy where a guy who knows nothing about computers and a guy who knows nothing about the law agreed that the evidence was so overwhelming that the Supreme Court was guaranteed to rule unanimously in their favor.

"I would like to be one of them. It would be very easy to be one," Lindell blarbles, rocking back and forth in that weird, unhealthy way he does.

23:30 Oh cool, time for a sizzle reel of Democrats warning that voting machines are hackable, which Mike Lindell says is CONFESSION!

25:30 Lindell exhorts his followers to share this video far and wide so that "when this gets to the Supreme Court, the big win is they have to accept it to look at it. They have to accept it to look at it, everybody. Because once they look at it, it will be ..."


It will be ...

ABSOLUTELY 9-0!!!!!!!

TA DA! Cue the confetti and the patriotic marches. Oh, dangit, looks like they spended all their movie budget on pixelation, so all we get is a producer credit for this nutter whose main claim to fame is his knockoff Drudge Report for true Christians.

Friends, when I tell you this movie was garbage, I may be overselling it. But don't take my word for it! Here are some actual, unpixelated cybersecurity experts to point and laugh.

So which Republican AG is going to put his name on this flaming bag of dogshit so Lindell can drop it on SCOTUS's doorstep and demand original jurisdiction? Can't hardly wait to find out.


Follow Liz Dye on Twitter!

Click the widget to keep your Wonkette ad-free and feisty. And if you're ordering from Amazon, use this link, because reasons.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc