From the people who brought you unrefudiated proof thatGeorge Bush Sr. was a Nazi infiltrator and traitor to the Republic who was always stone cold drinkin' tea with Mengele comes this timely reminder not to let yourself get kidnapped by Satanists.


Ms. Pamela Rae Schuffert has many tips on how to avoid getting kidnapped for murrrrderrrrr by all those Satanists running around, and they are mostly pretty easy for wingnuts to adhere to, like, "don't go hiking" (done) and "no really, don't go hiking" and "for fuck's sake, JOGGING? The Satanists are always stopping and kidnapping joggers! Best to just stay inside on your couch, where it is safe, and the Cheetos are" (done and DONE!). But even she can't really compare to our all-time favorite Halloween warning story, as originally flagged by Sadly No. In it, one Kimberly Daniels explained that demons come through Halloween candy, and if you eat Halloween candy, you will be possessed by them, because that is just a Science Fact.

During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

So really, "don't get kidnapped by Satanists" is sort of meh on the HOLY SHITBALLS CHRISTIANISTS scale.

We are sorry to disappoint. Please try harder, Pammy Rae.


Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc