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What Gateway Sexual Activity Are We Teaching Our Children Today?

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We will have to ask Kid Zoom, boy president of ourTeen Korner for Teenz, what kind of gateway sexual activity they are teaching in Idaho these days (we are guessing: pooper-only, to save the Hyme for your Husby). If any of you know any other teenz -- although why would you? -- please ask them how their gateway sexual activity is currently being Learninged. Because in the great state of Ohio, all that Gateway Sexual Activity Learning is about to be shitcanned. Put away that banana, sex ed teacher, you will not be using a "sexual simulation device" to teach the children well! Or at all, even!


So Ohio is trying to pass its budget, which of course means adding funds for nursing homes that Gov. John Kasich will then line-item veto. It also means, for some reason, getting hot and heavy into the sex ed curriculum, because fuck it.

The sex education addition says that any instruction must not promote “any gateway sexual activity or health message that encourages students to experiment with sexual activity.”

It goes on to prohibit distributing certain materials, conducting demonstrations with “sexual stimulation”* devices, or distributing contraception.

If a student receives such instruction, a parent or guardian can sue for damages, and a court may impose a civil fine of up to $5,000.

*We are pretty sure they meant sexual simulation, because we had a full semester of "Health" that was very heavy on the sex ed, and it still did not include a single Hello Kitty vibrator.

So what "gateway sexual activity" was running riot through Ohio schools before this? No one says! So we shall have to make up our own:

  • "Soul" kissing, which will get you pregnant.
  • Sitting on a toilet seat (ditto).
  • Mutual masturbation.
  • Listening to colored music.
  • Booby sex.
  • Lesbian scissoring.
  • Dry humping.
  • Putting a condom on your penis before you knock up your teenage girlfriend.

Also they defunded Planned Parenthood, because they could.

Also also, they definitely took out that unit about not gang-raping your passed-out friend. Bummer.

[Dispatch]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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THAT HEADLINE IS A LIE.

Anyway, it is time to count down your top ten stories. You will notice that in this post there is a video of Wonkette Toddler at the lake doing lake things, and also a picture of Rebecca's Very Good Dogs watching their favorite movie, which is Wonkette Toddler eating a sandwich (above). Please enjoy these things.

OK, top ten!

Stories chosen by Beyoncé, as per usual:

1. Even Fox News Can't Make Finland Trump-Shits Smell Like Roses :(

2. Dickish Trump Is Even A Dick To That Nice Old Lady From The Crown

3. Where In The World Is Michael Avenatti? He Is In London Having Tea With The Queen!

4. From Russia With Lube

5. WHAT THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK WAS THAT TRUMP-PUTIN PRESS CONFERENCE?

6. Can We Talk About The Utter Sadness Of Breitbart's Melania Fashion Coverage?

7. Christian Lady Being A Dipshit Again

8. President Words-Stupid Sorry For Being Total Fuck-Up Just This One Time Ever

9. Deleted Comments: We Gave God The Banhammer

10. Strzok Out With Your Cock Out: The 5 Best Moments From Yesterday's Peter Strzok Shitshow

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

OH HEY, one more thing. Know how Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you, like we mentioned above, and that's how we have salaries and servers and healthcare and liquor? If you want Wonkette to be here FOREVER, you gotta help us out, so won't you click here to do a $10 donation, or even better, a monthly subscription? WE LOVE YOU, YOU PAY OUR RENT.

As promised, kid pic and video from LAKE TIME:

OK that's all.

Yours in baby Jesus,

Wonkette

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Corey Stewart, the Minnesota transplant to Virginia who's made protecting "Confederate Heritage" a top issue in his campaign for the US Senate, accused a nosy New York Times reporter of breaking into the apartment of one of his aides. It's a terrific accusation, because while there's no evidence at all and the story makes no damn sense, that doesn't matter at all to people who'd vote for Corey Stewart. They already hate the evil media and know those nasty reporters are capable of all the depravity in the world.

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