What Gateway Sexual Activity Are We Teaching Our Children Today?

We will have to ask Kid Zoom, boy president of our Teen Korner for Teenz, what kind of gateway sexual activity they are teaching in Idaho these days (we are guessing: pooper-only, to save the Hyme for your Husby). If any of you know any other teenz -- although why would you? -- please ask them how their gateway sexual activity is currently being Learninged. Because in the great state of Ohio, all that Gateway Sexual Activity Learning is about to be shitcanned. Put away that banana, sex ed teacher, you will not be using a "sexual simulation device" to teach the children well! Or at all, even!

So Ohio is trying to pass its budget, which of course means adding funds for nursing homes that Gov. John Kasich will then line-item veto. It also means, for some reason, getting hot and heavy into the sex ed curriculum, because fuck it.

The sex education addition says that any instruction must not promote “any gateway sexual activity or health message that encourages students to experiment with sexual activity.”

It goes on to prohibit distributing certain materials, conducting demonstrations with “sexual stimulation”* devices, or distributing contraception.

If a student receives such instruction, a parent or guardian can sue for damages, and a court may impose a civil fine of up to $5,000.

*We are pretty sure they meant sexual simulation , because we had a full semester of "Health" that was very heavy on the sex ed, and it still did not include a single Hello Kitty vibrator. 

So what "gateway sexual activity" was running riot through Ohio schools before this? No one says! So we shall have to make up our own:

• "Soul" kissing, which will get you pregnant.

• Sitting on a toilet seat (ditto).

• Mutual masturbation.

• Listening to colored music.

• Booby sex.

• Lesbian scissoring.

• Dry humping.

• Putting a condom on your penis before you knock up your teenage girlfriend.

Also they defunded Planned Parenthood, because they could.

Also also, they definitely took out that unit about not gang-raping your passed-out friend. Bummer.

[ Dispatch ]