What If Aaron Schock Really Is Straight?

Oh, hello! Seems likeSOMEBODY had a tenth anniversary celebration for yr Wonkette and forgot to invite me, the other pony, the one you thought had been sent to the glue factory forever. It's my fault for not dropping by more often; maybe I should! Maybe I will. Nevertheless, I did do some strolling down memory lane this weekend due to the whole "Aaron Schock LOLGAY" story which entertained us all so much on a slow, cold Saturday. After all, it was I, in coordination with your Wonkette, who first outed the delicate yet abtastic congressman nearly three years ago to a not-particularly-startled world. See, that's what's so fun about writing for Wonkette: one doesn't have to take the "high road" like Buzzfeed's Chris Geidner. (Note to editrix: there's your new slogan. Wonkette: lower standards than Buzzfeed.)

But what if we got it all wrong? What if Aaron Schock really is a straight man merely trapped in a gay man's fabulous body? What if he went and petulantly locked his Instagram for no reason? What would a typical workweek be like for Totally Straight Aaron Schock? Click "read more" to find out!

  • Monday: Groggy Aaron Schock manfully punches out his alarm clock and extricates himself from the pile of nude sleeping females on his exhausted bed. "Oh, god, time for work," he laments. "I have GOT to stop having so much totally straight sex!"

  • Tuesday: "Where do you get your clothes?" asks Schock's latest lady sexual partner. "I use a service," he replies. "Each week they deliver color-coded garment bags containing that week's wardrobe," he mansplains, frowning slightly at the plaid slacks and Tom's espadrilles as he removes them from the bag. "They're called the Conservative Uniform National Tailoring Service. Lindsey Graham recommended them to me."

  • Wednesday: Schock announces formation of new opposite-marriage advocacy group, Confirmed Bachelors for Tradition. CBT for short.

  • Thursday: "Now wait just a minute," Aaron mutters as he removes a turquoise-colored cloth belt from the "Thursday" garment bag. "Didn't I burn this thing? What's going on here?"

  • Friday: An emergency meeting is called at the Conservative Uniform National Tailoring Service, which behind the scenes is run entirely by ex-contestants from Rupaul's Drag Race. "We have a situation," the bewigged CEO tells her co-conspirators. "I think Schock is onto us."

Well that was a lot of unlikely speculative fun! Let's do this again some time. Ha ha, Aaron Schock straight. *snicker*

Luv, Princess Sparkle Pony.


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