What If I Only Wrote Nice Things About Condoleezza Rice?


Ahhhhh, remember way back, like, six years ago (!!), when I would perform the weekly Condi Roundup at Yr Wonkette? What fun we had! We laughed and laughed! That's how I remember it, anyhow. Wouldn't it be fun to do that again? Well, yes, it would, come to think about it. But alas! Those were the days when Condi was just all over the place, swanning about here and there, meeting fab glamsters, accepting souvenir paperweights from adoring fans, zipping 'round the world so energetically that many believed (and still believe!) that somewhere along the line, America's Princess Diplomatâ„¢ had been replaced by a Disneytronic, Animagic robot. Those were also the days that Yr Wonkette was allowed to play with nice things, and by "nice things," I mean nice Associated Press and Getty images paid for by the previous regime.

Lo, those days are gone, so clearly if I'm going to write about Condoleezza Rice on Newfangled Wonketteâ„¢, I'm going to have to do the exact opposite, and that means no photographs at all (SORRY, CONDIBATORS), and me saying only nice things about her. Click "read more" to view the unfortunate results.

  • I can think of nothing, nothing, nothing in the whole wide world that I want more than this superb Condigraphed golf flag, a bargain at only $299.99. What's that? There's another one just like it for slightly more monies? Even better. Oh, but now I'm in a quandary, because there's also this one, which costs a lot less, which seems to cheapen things a bit... BUT it's two years older so INDIE CRED. Can you imagine? "Oh yes," you say to the attractive potential sex partner, "I have two 2013 Condiflags, but I also have this 2011 Condiflag, which is way before everyone else started hopping on the Condiflag bandwagon. That's why I skipped 2012: too many poseurs." And then the attractive person, by this time moist as a towelette, murmurs, "Take me." The obvious solution, of course, is that I must have all three of them. People! These are golf flags signed by Condoleezza Rice! Good God!
  • I think it's supernice that Condi is included in this wonderful, wonderful headline: Bear Bryant died; Condoleezza Rice made history; Human Fly struck. My favorite part is to close my eyes and... Wait! Everyone try it with me! Oh, sorry, you're reading. Anyway, I close my eyes and imagine that headline being an old episode of Doctor Who from the late '60s, where Teen Condi is the Doctor's companion, and weird wall-walking aliens rob banks, and in the end a friendly and heroic Edwardian Koala sacrifices himself to save the Earth. It soothes me. Try it!
  • There are so many reasons why I LUV CONDI, but maybe I love Condi most of all when she inspires the most inane speculative political wank fiction known to man: the "is Condi considering running for (fill in the blank)?" article. Oh, look, here's one now! I've written about these rumors here and on my blog for years, and the format has become so standardized that I could write one with my eyes closed. Don't believe me? Are you forgetting that I wrote most of the last item with my eyes closed? Hmm? Where was I? Oh, right, the format: first, you establish that Condi's been making a lot of speeches lately, and imply that this is somehow unusual, while conceding that is basically all that Condi does anymore. Then you dovetail into whether or not this may indicate that Condi will run for, like, president or something? And then write about how popular and inspiring she is, sprinkle with inane biographical details, and finally (this step is a killjoy and therefore optional) sheepishly admit that Condi always says she will never, ever run for office anywhere, anytime, forever. And there's your great new Condi article, out there informing the world about how maybe Condi will run for office someday and maybe not! And then the world, grateful, goes along its merry way, whistling a happy little tune, totally better informed.
  • Speaking of Condi Veep Rumors, want to know a fun way to waste lots of money and resources? Why not spend way too much on leftover fake "Romney/Rice 2012" campaign merchandise? And before you ask, YES, there are tote bags!
  • Have you heard about how the GOP has tapped America's Golfiest Diplobot to be their new spokeslady for income inequality? I think I've got that right. She is going to be so, so good at that! They should send her out in Condi Couture!
  • I'm a fan of Condi, sure, and will only say nice things about her from now on, amen, but I'm also a fan of hilarious bluntness in headlines, like "Condi Rice to help House Republicans raise money," which doesn't leave much to the imagination but is perhaps a little more discreet than "Condoleezza Rice works the GOP circuit." That last article totally confused me, though, because this guy says, "This is a terrific opportunity for our party members to spend time with a true pioneer of foreign policy," when all along I thought they were spending time with Condi? Is it some kind of mix-up? I'm sure everybody will have a lovely time with Condi!
  • If you live in Elgin, Illinois, then whoooooooooooaaaa, get ready for the best thing since riverboat gambling, because guess who's coming to Judson University on March 19? Give up? It's Condi! LIVE! OMG. Sure, there's a chance it will be just Condi reciting her same old speech with a few desultory references to current headlines and then audience members asking her if she has any advice for young people ("Follow your dreams."), but what if it were so much more? What if... I don't know, what if her presentation involved extensive wire work and martial arts? What if Condi is secretly planning for this gig to be the debut of her new death metal band? You'd be sorry you missed that. What if she got married right there on stage in a bizarre publicity stunt? To Queen Latifah? Ooooh, what if she did a magic act? "Watch me pull credibility out of my ass!"

Whoops! OK, better stop there. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it up. Besides, it's obviously turning into a totally different "What If?" topic, and at this pace I better not waste any. But that was fun! We'll have to say some nice things about Condi again some time. Why not say something nice about Condi right now?

Until our next adventure through time and space,

Luv, Princess Sparkle Pony


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