What Is That Sexy Canadian Guy Doing In This GOP Debate Preview? (No, Not Ted Cruz)

Republican primary voters.

That time has once again cummeth upon us, where we will sit down in front of our widescreen televisions, munch bits of ham frosting out of tubs, and become very excited that any one of the Republican men and lady men (CARLY!) on that stage could one day be the boss of America. Shut up, it IS TOO exciting. They're such a jolly good crop of candidates, yes they are. And we will have so much to talk about, in the aftermath of the San Bernardino attacks, the only mass shooting in America that matters to Republicans. (Because MUSLAMERRIFIC TERRORISM!)

Let's wildly speculate about what's going to happen:

Is Donald Trump still the king of all the candidates, and thus the king of the world?

Trump is still doing yoooge in the latest national poll, coming in with 41% of all Republicans, who just looooove everything he's had to say lately about the Mooselems.

But we've been hearing about all this CRUZMENTUM, is that a thing?

Kinda sorta not really? Ted Cruz only has 14% of all Republicans in that poll, and he did real good in this one Iowa poll. We guess he COULD overtake Trump, especially if Republicans finally get tired of all of Trump's racist, xenophobic rhetoric HAHAHAHA oh wait, Cruz is just as gross as Trump about that shit, and more boring. Anyway, you can read all about the CRUZMENTUM in this morning's "Help Them, Ted Cruz, You're Their Only Hope" post.

Are all the Republican candidates going to viciously condemn Trump's comments about the Muslins?

PFFFFFFFFT. Probably, but they'll be lying.

What's Ben Carson going to do during the debate?

This, basically.


What of the "feud" we've heard on internets, involving Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio? Are they going to fight over who's the bigger Canadian?

No, silly, Ted Cruz is the biggest Canadian of all time, whereas Marco Rubio never so much as muttered a "How 'bout this poutine, eh?" in his life. Cruz and Rubio are both CUBAN, which is a different country altogether. But the internets says there's a feud between them, so we guess there is a feud.

Speaking of Canadians, how about that sexxxy Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau? He sure showed up all of U.S. America by greeting the Syrian refugees at the airport and saying, "Bonjour, I am your new prime minister. I'm sure you'll find me quite pleasing, in the sexual way."

That has nothing to do with this post, Wonkers, put your dicks back in your pants.

Can't we just have one picture of him, to take to our bunks?

Fuck it, why not.


Oh sorry, Republican presidential candidates, is Prime Minister Sexxxytime making you all look bad in the middle of GOP debate preview post? Sorry not sorry.

Who will be debating this time?

On the main stage Tuesday evening will be Donald Trump, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Chris Christie, Jeb!!!! Bush, John Kasich, Rand Paul, and the lady with the lying mouth.

Did Mike Huckabee get the shaft? Please tell us Huckabee has to eat his fried squirrel pellets by himself for the rest of eternity, and never will be on the main stage again!

Well yes, he DID get the shaft. He will be in the little toddler-pooper Kid's Table Debate, along with Rick Santorum, George Pataki, and Lindsey Graham. He doesn't get to eat fried squirrel pellets, though, unless he promises to bring some to share with the whole class.

For God's sake, why does there still have to be an undercard debate? Does anybody in the whole fucking Milky Way want to watch those trolls pinch each other's grundles during happy hour?

One question at a time, please! But the answers are 1) Sometimes God lets bad things happen, and 2) No.

Where do we see the debate? Like, is it on televisions, or can we put our ear into a seashell and listen to it like that?

It is on televisions and internets at the "CNN" network. The dumb-dumb loser debate starts at 6 PM ET, and the real debate is at 8:30 PM ET.

How can we know that's true? CNN lies a lot, and sometimes says, "Starts at 6," when it actually means, "Hey, watch our idiot pundits make poo faces at each other for 30 minutes before the actual thing starts."

There is no way to know, because CNN is terrible.

Where's my motherfucking liveblog?

Do you sex your mother with that mouth? Jeez. It will be at Wonkette dot com, dumb dumb.

Anything else?

Nope, get out of our faces now, goodbye.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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