Never let it be said that Your Wonkette is anything but sex-positive and pro-freaky-deakiness. But when it's Allen West and he's writing to his wife from Iraq right around the time he is having people beaten and then shooting guns next to their heads, and he is so weird and Allen West-like, well ... here, let us read together Allen West'ssexxxy control fantasies, as it has been far too long since we purged.

The congressman proceeds tells his wife he expects certain intimate acts upon his return that will be “the standard and it is non-negotiable.”

He tells her: “From now on, you will wear two-piece swim suits when on vacations.”

Then: “Angela, I need to know, are you committed to being my porn star?

“I do not want to hear ‘no’ or ‘we’ll see about that.’ I want my fantasies to be with you. God has authorized you and you only as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want.”

And he signs off: “Get ready!”

Oooh la la, romance! But let us put our heads together and figure out just what porn star acts should be standard and non-negotiable?

Scat play.

Pegging.

Eyes-closed, procreative missionary, because Allen West is creepy and lame and hates women.

Whatever will we do when Allen West loses his race against young pup Patrick Murphy? We are sorry, but losing both him and la Bachmann on the very same day is more than one outrage-ginning-libtard website can withstand.

[GossipExtra]