What The Hell Does Sarah Palin Want Now?
The face of the Republican Party.
Does Sarah want to be vice president when Donald Trump becomes "president," because he already said he wants to tap her, in a government way? Does she want to Maverick her way into the You Betcha spot at the last minute and run for president? (Probably not, presidents don't usually quit halfway through their terms unless they've been caught doing Watergate.) Is she just GRIFTING FOR CASH LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES, because it beats getting a real job? All these questions come to mind as we watch this new "documentary" on how awesome she is, conveniently released the same week as the first Republican primary, because Palin has never seen limelight she didn't want to toss word salad in the middle of.
Here, have some "documentary." It's 20 minutes long, which should be sufficient time for you to hate-fap to completion:
A bunch of Republican idiots talk about how Sarah Palin is the best thing that ever happened to all nations that ever existed. John McCain says Palin was the thing that really sent his campaign over the top, by which he means that space just underneath the Obama-Biden ticket we guess. Trump says Sarah Palin makes people "think," and that she's "very popular, including with Trump." Ted Cruz licks her knob too, it's quite gross.
Then the scene changes, with a Ronald Reagan quote and a picture of some mountains and a lady mama grizzly bear!
Guessing the bear is an artistic rendering of Sarah Palin or something.
Cut to scenes from the McCain-Palin campaign losing, scenes from Palin quitting her governor's job, and this is all just really great, because it shows how she doesn't play by the rules, by "winning" or "holding down a job." We're then treated to a MILLION-MINUTE montage of all the people who have won office with her endorsement, and also the ones who have lost, and then radio-idiot Mark Levin says Palin "could have retired," but she hasn't, because she just cares TOO much. Don't you want to watch this "documentary" now? Because we stopped nine minutes in, #sorrynotsorry.
And also, retire from what, exactly? Sarah Palin's current job, as far as we can tell, is dictating Facebook status updates to an aide while she does her "exercises" or smokes cigarettes on the front porch or looks through the aisles at Home Depot looking for lawn products that have names that might be pretty for Bristol's latest virgin birth, we don't fucking know what she does with her spare time, which is ALL OF IT KATIE.
Anyway, Sarah Palin is the Republican Lady Christ, and she may or may not want a new government job to quit, is the point here.
If you woke up this morning thinking, "Gee willikers, I sure do hate myself, I just wish I had a 20-minute video about Sarah Palin to watch," feel free to share all the excitement from the video in the comments, which are not allowed.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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