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The world is terrible and Donald Trump The White Supremacist is in El Paso trying to "console" the families of victims his rhetoric helped murder, and the economy is fucked, and Rep. Joaquin Castro is causing Maggie Haberman to be even less self-aware than usual. In times like these, you know what we need to do? Take cheap shots at Mike Pence.

You see, Brother Pence, who is married to Mother Pence, has a message for us. Or at least his message was for the viciously anti-gay Alliance Defending Freedom clown law outfit, and it was that when you're weary, feeling small, when tears are in your eyes, you should just make like a common Mike Pence and get down on your knees and STAY THERE.

And while you're down there! Well, we guess you should do whatever Mike Pence does while he's down there.

OK fine, it's a prayer! He's down there for a prayer! Or maybe it's ... like a prayer?


The Washington Times gave Pence this reacharound, by making it their headline:

RUDE, what would Mother think?

In fact, Mother is part of this story! You see, Pence was telling the story of that time his wife Mother faced backlash when the world learned that the Northern Virginia private school where she teaches part time, Immanuel Christian School, is a gay-hatin' institution that requires students and teachers both to promise to Jesus that they won't be gay homosexuals. And people were unkind and rude and the devil to Mother, because the school is a garbage fire bigot.

"We honestly didn't see that one coming," is what Mike Pence said, and is also what she said. "Spend more time on your knees than on the internet," is what Mike Pence says his advice is, and um ... well ... OK!


We do not want to suggest that Mike Pence is saying that when the world gets you down, you should go down. We are not insinuating that when evening falls so hard (so hard) he will comfort you (by doing blow-penises to you). Why would we say that? Mike Pence has one of the most viciously anti-gay records of any living American politician, and the president he serves once "joked" that Pence would like to see all the gays "hanged," which is #VocabularyFact different from saying he'd like to see the gays "hung."

You know what they always say about bizarrely anti-gay politicians with prurient fixations on fucking (over) the gays. Nothing! They say nothing at all about that!

Hey remember that time Pence spent the whole Olympics stanning for the opportunity to take openly gay figure skater Adam Rippon furniture shopping, but he couldn't get there? Us neither.

In summary and in conclusion, Mike Pence is not gay, but he's pretty sure it would help a buddy out if they spent more time on their knees than they spend on the internet. And we don't know if there is a certain brand of kneepads he endorses for being down there a lot, so stop asking us. Maybe he likes to raw-knee it. (ALLEGEDLY!)

Also here is a .gif we just thought of for no reason:

Giphy

The end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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