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Donald Trump is very upset. After regaling a wet audience full of nobody important on the Fourth of July with tales of America's heroic airport conquests in the Revolutionary War, he went off to do whatever he wants, with nobody who loves him, which means his sadness and frustration came out via Twitter, his only true friend.


He thanked himself for the stock market's performance, which has nothing to do with him:

He pretended to be happy for the US women's soccer team, even though that soccer team is mean to him and is decidedly not coming to the fucking White House:

But mostly he whined, in that special word salad language only he speaks. He was particularly upset because the New York Times published an expose on one of his concentration camp baby jails in Texas, which was very unfair to him because it told the truth about his concentration camp baby jails:

And then, as if to add insult to injury, his beloved Fox News reported on the New York Times article. Is that part of the contract he and Sean Hannity signed in pee while crossing streams in the golden potty, allegedly? He does not think that is part of the contract. See if you can make sense of ANY of this:

OK, Mister President, we think we get the gist of what it took you three dementia tweets to say right there! You're mad at Fox, the weekend anchors don't flick your nipples with their tongues like you like, and you're just generally crying about life, like you always do. WOMP WOMP.

Of course, we can think of a few other reasons why Donald Trump might have spent his holiday weekend gripped by ennui and crippled by fear. First of all, as we mentioned, the US women's team took home the whole entire Women's World Cup title this weekend, and they did it while talking shit about him, the unelected shithole yap baby currently stinking up the White House.

Oh yeah, and did you see the OTHER thing that happened on Fox News Sunday, the thing you know Trump saw because he absolutely refuses to turn off the TV?

That is Fox News reporting live on Sunday from Lyon, France, and an entire bar full of people -- many of them Americans, sounds like! -- seeing the Fox News cameras and screaming "Fuck Trump!" at Fox News's primary viewer, who happens to be the very Trump they'd like to see get fucked. It was one of those magical TV moments that exceeded anything that ever happened on the non-Emmy-winning "Celebrity Apprentice," the little game show the president used to host.

It's also possible Trump is very upset because his longtime pal Jeffrey Epstein is finally being indicted for his alleged pedo sex crimes (read the indictment here!), and rumor has it that if those particular chips really start to fall, they might also expose pedo sex misdeeds by a cast of powerful miscreants, including accused sexual predator Donald Trump, who just loves Jeffrey Epstein, as he explained to New York magazine in 2002:

"I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy," Trump booms from a speakerphone. "He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it – Jeffrey enjoys his social life."

No doubt about it.

So maybe there is something about Epstein's indictment (happening today! check the internet for live updates!) that is bothering the president of the United States, who says he likes to grab them by the pussy and they just let him do it because he's a celebrity.

We are just saying.

One more check-in with the presidential loudspeaker before we go:

Shut up, the president is a very serious person.

[New York Magazine]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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