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Remember last time Donald Trump decided it was time to find a new (acting) director of national intelligence, because the old one, Dan Coats, was just too American for his tastes? It. Was. Hilarious. He picked this paste-eating rube congressman from Texas, John Ratcliffe — known in Republican circles as one of the smart ones LOLOLOL — and everything was going swimmingly and nobody was making fun of Trump's decision, until it all went south when the news found out Ratcliffe had fabricated/embellished somewhere around half his prosecutorial record. DERP.

Trump still loves that guy, though. He loves all the moron Republican paint-huffers on the House Intelligence and Judiciary committees, who lie and obfuscate and yell and scream Kremlin conspiracy theories throughout the halls of Congress. They are his pals, because in Washington as in his earlier life in New York, Trump doesn't get to hang with the actual cool kids of society and has to settle for the leftovers.

Hell, Trump's original top choice for director of national INTELLIGENCE was Devin Fucking Nunes, the guy who was voted (ALLEGEDLY) by all the cows in America at his cow high school "Most Likely To Never Have The Word 'Intelligence' In His Job Title." Those cows were some real Heathers, if you know what we mean, and what we mean is they were all cows named Heather.


Which brings us to this guy, Chris Stewart, who National Security Adviser Joseph O'Brien is reportedly pushing Trump to make his third choice for his new (acting) DNI, now that Joseph Maguire's time as (acting) DNI is coming up in March. (Maguire of course didn't do enough to protect Trump from getting impeached, even though he did try to hide the whistleblower complaint from Congress, therefore Trump's not about to appoint THAT guy as the real official Senate-confirmed DNI.)

This is Chris Stewart:

We hate Chris Stewart, which means we have something in common with pretty much every other person who endured all 866,578 hours of the House's witness testimony in the impeachment inquiry. He is a whining, mewling ass of a man. Where freaks like Jim Jordan scream and cry and wail, Stewart purses his lips and politely whine-splains you why he adores his Dear Leader so much. As quoted by the New York Times, from the impeachment hearings:

"They want to take away my vote and throw it in the trash," Mr. Stewart said of Democrats just before the impeachment vote in the House. "They want to take away my president and delegitimize him so he cannot be re-elected."

"They want to take away my vote and throw it in the trash, they wanna take away my president, booooo hoooo hoooooo," aw poor baby, get a fucking grip.

Watch Stewart question Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, starting by fake-complimenting Vindman's military uniform as he testifies to Congress, and whining that Vindman had earlier corrected Devin Nunes when Nunes called him "Mr. Vindman," which is not his fucking title, you shit-mewling old creep:

www.youtube.com

Here's what else you need to know about Chris Stewart, beyond what you might have witnessed in the impeachment hearings: He thinks it's awesome for Trump to accept foreign help to cheat to win re-election. Really, he says that part out loud! Something tells us somebody's magic Mormon underpants aren't going to get him into Mormon space heaven, and when we say "somebody," we mean Chris Stewart.


"It depends on who it is and the circumstances and how credible it is," Stewart told CNN's Jim Scuitto. "There might be valuable information that comes from one of our allies. If they look at it, and it's credible, I think it would be foolish not to take that information."

Stewart clarified by saying he was talking about the Five Eyes intelligence-sharing alliance of nations, which includes the UK, Australia, New Zealand, Canada and the US, which is precisely not what anybody is talking about right now. Of course, it would still be highly inappropriate for Five Eyes to give Trump foreign dirt to help him steal an election. And of course, Trump was just impeached for extorting one of our allies, Ukraine, for fake dirt on Joe Biden.

And of course, all of that serves to distract ALSO from the fact that in 2016, a HOSTILE FOREIGN POWER intervened to help Trump steal the White House. His campaign welcomed that, according to the Mueller Report, and according to what we saw with our very own eyes. And his campaign will welcome it again in 2020! So let's fuck off with this talk about our "Five Eyes allies," Christina.

Stewart's comments came after Trump's infamous George Snuffleupagus interview, where Trump said yeah sure definitely he'd like some foreign election-stealing help, and he might not even report it to the FBI. Stewart's interview was his way of "defending" the president.

This is the guy O'Brien wants Trump to install as (acting) director of national intelligence.

And according to the Times Stewart very well may be interested. Could he be confirmed by the Senate as a (real) DNI? Unclear! He's a total fucking idiot, so he has that going for him with Senate Republicans. But as the Times notes, Senate Intelligence Committee Chair Richard Burr was none too keen on John Ratcliffe, and might again encourage the White House to pick not such a dipshit for such an important job.

Guess we will just have to wait and see what terrible decision Trump makes, just like always!

[Salt Lake Tribune / New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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