Cover Your Eyes, It's Your FIRST Matt Gaetz Wienerpecker Update Of The Day!

National Politics
Cover Your Eyes, It's Your FIRST Matt Gaetz Wienerpecker Update Of The Day!

Good morning and welcome to your FIRST Matt Gaetz peener update of the day. Consider it an amuse bouche, before you really have to dive into the meatiest Matt Gaetz peener update of the day. This is just the teaser, the calm before the peener storm, which Wonkette's Liz will be explaining to you toot sweet. This is the peen update that came out late Thursday afternoon, before the REALLY FUCKED UP ONE that came out later last night.

Have we 'splained this post adequately? We think we have.

Anyway, REMIND US TO NEVER AGAIN COMPLAIN, even silently to ourselves, that we are having a boring-ass news week. Because the news gods hear us, apparently. And they say, "Oh, we'll teach you a lesson about being bored" and then they serve up one million stories about Matt Gaetz's penis, which, aside from Louie Gohmert's penis, we are pretty sure is the congressional penis at the top of EVERYONE'S list of "congressional penises I never want to have a reason to think about."

We've been discussing how everybody hates Matt Gaetz, everybody hates him so much, especially his Republican colleagues. And oh man, they just keep talkin'! CNN reported late Thursday afternoon that ...

Please send your children out of the room.

OK, they gone?

CNN reported late Thursday afternoon that

Gaetz allegedly showed off to other lawmakers photos and videos of nude women he said he had slept with, the sources told CNN, including while on the House floor. The sources, including two people directly shown the material, said Gaetz displayed the images of women on his phone and talked about having sex with them. One of the videos showed a naked woman with a hula hoop, according to one source.

"It was a point of pride," one of the sources said of Gaetz.

GODDAMMIT, what is it with these nasty fucking people?

Donald Trump goes to his CFO Allen Weisselberg's house while the family is sitting shiva and proceeds to show people pictures of naked booby ladies on his yacht.

Donald Trump Jr. is dating this terrible yelling person Kimberly Guilfoyle who, when she was at Fox News, reportedly wouldn't stop showing people dick pictures from her phone, and telling everybody whose dick pics they were, and we are just still horrified at the possibility that they COULD have been pictures of Donald Trump Jr.'s marginally tumescent sex dong, and we are still throwing up about it. Because man, if that thing looks anything like his face ...

And now here comes Matt Gaetz, yes the same Matt Gaetz who apparently had an empty box of TROJAN "BARESKIN" CONDOMS just lying there at the top of the trashcan outside his office, waltzing onto the House floor to show fellow congressmen all the naked ladies he allegedly banged.

CNN says it has "no indication" the pics are part of the DOJ's investigation of Matt Gaetz, which you might remember involves him possibly maybe SEX TRAFFICKING A MINOR. We are just saying it might be time for the FBI to seize Matt Gaetz's phone. Like right now. Go get it.

Because if these two things do in fact end up being somehow related ... and considering the story that broke late last night ... ALLEGEDLY ...

Hoo boy.

Après moi, le déluge, as they say.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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