What's Prince Jared Doing To Kushner Up The Coronavirus Crisis Today?
Screenshot, Axios on HBO

Last time we checked in with first son-in-law Prince Jared Ivankovich Kushner, he was asking his brother's father-in-law, a real doctor, to ask Facebook for some advice on How To Coronavirus. You know, because he's partially in charge of this, and that is how this White House rolls, and that is partially why everybody is going to die. Before that, he helped write Trump's LOL-disastrous address to the nation Wednesday night, where Trump performed his party trick of tanking Dow futures 1,000 points just by sniffing in the general direction of a camera.

There's been much more reporting over the weekend on what Prince Jared is doing to Kushner up this crisis, and it's all just terrifying. For the first few years of the reign of Donald Trump, pundits liked to say Trump had just been real lucky, and we'd all see what an unmitigated, horrifying braindead shitshow disaster he really was once he finally had to confront a crisis he didn't create on Twitter. That day is here, and that horrifying braindead shitshow disaster is Jared. (It is also Trump. And most of the rest of the White House staff.)

It started Friday when Trump announced that Google was going to fancy up a sexxxy website to help Americans get tested for coronavirus, which was not remotely true. They're making an informational website, which is nice, but it's not what Trump said. (It's now up. It's only for Silicon Valley people, and it doesn't appear to be running smoothly, maybe because President SmartWords made up some shit, which caused Google to try to warp speed its way through the launch, in order to try to get reality to conform to Trump's hallucinations.)

So what happened here, besides Trump, a pathological liar, just made up some shit? Welllllll, JARED SAID there was gonna be a website!

It started as a series of conversations this past week between officials working with Jared Kushner, the president's son-in-law, and the chief executive of Verily, a life sciences subsidiary of Google's parent company, about how it might help the Trump administration in the fight against the coronavirus.

Verily was developing a website that could let people evaluate their symptoms and direct them to nearby "drive through" locations for testing. Desperate to tap the private sector to satisfy the public's demands for a more robust response to the rapidly spreading virus, Mr. Kushner was quickly sold on the idea.

And BING BONG, all that metastasized in Trump's brain to the point where there were "1,700 engineers" working on it (the New York Times notes Verily doesn't even have that many employees) and Trump just went out and lied a lot, because that's what he does. Where did Trump get the number "1,700"?

The 1,700 engineers Mr. Trump mentioned were actually just Google employees who said a day earlier that they would be happy to volunteer their time on the project if needed.


Anyway, you can find more about the Google website by using your Google, but this blog post is about Prince Shitshow.

Know who made that poster that coronavirus task force member Deborah Birx held up during Trump's Friday presser, which we promptly made fun of, because it looked like a 6th grader's book report? Jared made that.

As the Times reports, when Trump made his Friday announcements and Birx held up Jared's science fair project, Google was like WHOA HEY WAIT, THE FUCK?

The Washington Postfilled in with more behind-the-scenes footage this weekend, describing a White House where "no one is sure who is in charge," according to a "senior" source in the administration. But Jared's helping!

That Trump presser Friday? Jared helped with more than just "Make Poster"!

Mike Pence's coronavirus task force meetings, which happen every day in the Sit Room? Jared is helping with those too, JUST FOOLING, he and Ivanka haven't even been going to them, even though Lindsey Graham is quoted by the Post saying Jared is Trump's "right arm" in all this.

But relax, everyone, at least Jared believes coronavirus is real and is listening to the science HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, we regret to inform you! Peter Baker and Maggie Haberman reported that both Prince Jared and King Dipshit have a "jaundiced" view of coronavirus — which is not a slam on the color of Trump's face — and that Jared "considers the problem more about public psychology than a health reality." Now to be extraordinarily and unnecessarily fair, we will note that that reporting came out late last week, and it is possible Jared has emotionally processed this a little bit more in the ensuing days and that he is starting to get it, OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR, ASSUMES FACTS NOT IN EVIDENCE.

Guess we'll see.

At press time, Ivanka Trump had privately told her father she did not support coronavirus, but he wasn't listening because he was on Twitter yelling at the Deep State.

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

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