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‘What’s The Matter With Willow?’ And Other Questions Inspired By Last Night’s ‘Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp’

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Apparently last week or the week before, which we did not watch, in fact we might have skipped like five weeks whoops, Bristol was defeated by Los Angeles and headed home after like a week and a half, because"homosexuals." Now she is back with her absolutely hamburger-brained boyfriend, Gino, whom she was so keen to leave in the premiere, because he was terrible. We don't remember why he was terrible, and our previous recap is no help in the matter. Because we were drunk. So it's "Valentimes" Day, as Gino calls it and calls it and calls it again, because he is both gross and horrifically uneducated. And everything is swell between them, with Gino even being really nice to the offputtingly bratty and entitled and hyper and fed-cupcakes-before-dinner Aryan Angel, Tripp.


But if things are jiving just right between Gino and Bristol -- despite her not putting out, according to her -- things are coming to a head between Bristol and her sister Willow, who is very aggressive and has a sort of mannish affect, very Rosie O'Donnell, you know, but not jolly?

Anyway, it is Valentimes, and Bristol cannot toast toast, so Willow is going to help her roast a chicken. And Willow never smiles and is basically like April in Parks & Rec but without a clever writer to feed her funny lines, and so she just tells Bristol over and over that she is a "brat" and "psychotic," which were the same things Bristol was saying to Willow.

But then! Bristol orders Willow from the house, three times, just as Willow is preparing to put the chicken in the oven! And finally, after the third "Be-Gone!" Willow goes, and then Bristol spends the rest of the episode complaining to everyone that Willow "left her hanging" and abandoned her during the cookery.

And even when she says this to Willow herself, Willow herself does not point out that Bristol told her to leave, three times? Before Willow finally did?

So a) Did Bristol even watch this episode? And b) is Willow's short-term memory so shot that she could not defend herself from Bristol's calumnies with a fact-based defense?

Neither Bristol nor Willow is a nice person, though Willow's version is more aggressive and Bristol's more feminine and passively spiteful. We didn't watch the second ep, about Tripp crying in the Iditarod Pup Race or whatever, because it turns out the amount he was in the premiere (about two minutes) is really about all we want to see of Young Master Tripp.

Also, Gino showed his love for Bristol by having his friends cut down her trees, because nature is disgusting, and Bristol totally wanted to do him for it.

Until next week!

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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