When MyPillow Guy Is Correct, He Is CORRECT

Zachary Petrizzo is the Salon reporter who goes deep into crazytown to learn all the newest and hottest conspiracy theories of the day, and he especiallyis a chronicler of Mike Lindell AKA the MyPillow Guy. Petrizzo ALWAYS knows the hottest MyPillow Guy scoops before everybody else does.

So we don't know where he was last night, or where Lindell was. Whether there was an event, or whether Lindell was doing an 86-hour livestream for the ages, but Petrizzo witnessed it, and reports back, ohhhhhh, he reports back.

It is something about ... bath towel conspiracy?

If you cannot read those tweets, or (more likely) if our web platform eats them, they say, in order:

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell tonight is alleging there is a massive bath towel conspiracy in the United States that involves China making towels that don't dry people. Apparently, the towel theory ties back somehow to the 2020 election.

Mike Lindell's other point of frustration tonight: he hasn't been able to purchase an 8-wheel amphibious vehicle.

All right. That doesn't sound incorrect, but we're going to need more information. (We like to do our own research.)

China could very well be making towels that don't dry people, and those towels could be stealing the election with Hugo Chavez's dead ghost or something. Um, because what would you expect fraud towels like that to do with their spare time? Wholesome things for our lord Jesus? Doubt it.

Petrizzo added in a follow-up tweet:

A bit more on the Mike Lindell bath towel beat: he further claims that many bath towels out there feel like they have "lotion" on them, something he was quick also to blame on China.

Yeah, well, you know, yep. We mean, that's just, um, you betcha! Definitely a China thing, and definitely related to the 2020 election!

As we mentioned, we do our own research, and all of this checks out, because if you go to the MyPillow website, you'll find that Lindell specifically sells towels that are

  • Soft to the touch without the "lotiony" feel.
and also
  • Other towels feel good but don't absorb.
Yes these are direct bullet points from his site, and Mike's towels are not made in China they are made in America
  • Made in Pakistan with U.S.A. Cotton
The website adds, "Towels that work, what a concept!" and attributes that quote directly to Lindell.

So this is something he's apparently been on about for a while.

We guess we'll just have to wait for him to further develop his theory of how the other guy's towels, the China towels, how they stole the election. You know, if that's indeed his theory.

Also we are sorry about his inability to procure the amphibious vehicle he's looking for, and anxiously await updates.

It's kind of weird that the MyPillow guy's brain worms count as news, but this guy literally is trying to help Donald Trump steal American democracy, and also his brain worms are funny so ...

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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