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When One Senator Loves Two Other Senators Very Much: The Lindsey Graham Story

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Guess what? It is a new day, so it is time to talk about Lindsey Graham again. We will get to write about this until the end of time, apparently. This poses a problem for yr Wonkette because there are only so many old-timey gay ads we can use in stories about him. Fortunately, there is no dearth of pictures of Lindsey Graham looking fetchingly butch so we're OK for a while. (Lowly not-editor's note: isn't that picture terrifying at that size???) The Senate's most macho closeted Southerner went on Piers Morgan last night to talk about gay marriage, along with grumpy old men (and unrequited love interests of Lindsey Graham) John McCain and Joe Lieberman, because why not? We've watched all painful five minutes of this Huey, Dewey and Louie show so you don't have to. Thank us later.


First Lindsey shares his thoughts about just how nice the gays can be:

You can be funny and charming and kind and be in love with someone of the same sex.

That is true! You can be funny and charming and kind and Southern and mildly old-man dapper and still be in love with someone of the same sex. Yes you can, Lindsey! Then things get a little weird and jesus-y and self-loathing though:

A lot of this is religious. In my state, we're not going to change the traditional definition of marriage and I would support the traditional definition of marriage not out of hate but if I believe I think that it is just best for society.

Oh Lindsey. After that we get some mumbo jumbo from Walnuts and Droopy about states rights, and then Lindsey gets to the heart of what he really wants:

Lindsey: If it is based on love, can three people love each other?

Morgan: Can three people love each other? Why would you need three people?

Lindsey: Well, is it possible for three people to genuinely love each other and want to share their lives together?

Morgan: Of course it is.

Whereupon Lindsey flung himself across both John McCain and Joe Lieberman singing "I've got two lovers, and I ain't ashamed/Two lovers and I love 'em both the same." OK, that part didn't really happen BUT IT COULD HAVE.

So gays are nice, three people can love each other...pretty much settled, amirite? Everyone should get gay marryin'. Not so fast, says Lindsey:

"Can — can I suggest this? Slavery was outlawed by a Constitutional amendment. Go watch “Lincoln,” a great movie. The people decided. The question for us is who should decide these things? Should it be a handful of judges or should it be the people themselves? And I come out on the side of the people themselves. Different people will look at it differently. But slavery was outlawed by a Constitutional amendment. If you want to propose a Constitutional amendment legalizing same-sex marriage and it passes, that’s the law of the land.

Yes! Genius Plan! Let's have another War Between the States, from which our national psyche will never really recover, and then after that we'll pass a gay marriage amendment handily! First comes Antietam, then gay marriage. Coastal elites and homosexuals (REDUNDANT) start sharpening your scythes because none of you blue-state people have guns.

[ThinkProgress]

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Before we get all het up about Donald Trump's press conference with Vladimir Putin, Tucker Carlson says, we need to look at the larger perspective. Maybe Russia hacked us, maybe they didn't, but what about how Mexicans have interfered in our elections for decades just by being born here, huh?

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pic of Butina and her handler via Butina's Twitter

Have you been enjoying the last 24 hours of the mainstream media suddenly realizing there's a Russian intelligence asset in the White House, which is something we at Wonkette have known since October of 2016? Hilarious, right? Anyway, DOJ just found another Russian spy in its big "witch hunt." Her name is Maria Butina and she was arrested on Sunday, because the feds were pretty sure she was about to run. Now she is being held in federal custody without bond.

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