You have your instructions. Now go, and troll.

You'll be glad to know that the Loon-o-Sphere has been cranking out conspiracy theories about the Las Vegas mass shooting as fast as cranks can think of them, and while Alex Jones has certainly showcased a few, he's really just the tip of the moronberg when it comes to people who have non-monogamous relationships with reality. Media Matters has helpfully catalogued some of the wackier ones out there and attempted to trace how some have migrated from the crazier corners of paranoialand to semi-respectable rightwing media. The old-timey gurus of the Internet were right: Information wants to be free. The gurus just didn't realize how much of that information also wanted to rip its clothes off in public and run around screaming about chemtrails while smearing itself with canned clams.

For instance, we bet you had no idea that Stephen Paddock, the man the media says was responsible for the shooting, was actually an undercover FBI agent who was setting up a gun-running sting against ISIS (just like Obama's Fast and Furious!), but they sussed him out, murdered him, then committed the mass shooting themselves and slipped away before police arrived. Apparently it didn't occur to the people who dreamed this one up that ISIS has no shortage of full-auto combat weapons captured from Iraqi and Syrian forces, or maybe this was supposed to be one of the several hundred active ISIS cells Obama allowed to set up shop in the USA, but which somehow couldn't get full-auto guns from the parent organization. Also, they vanished without a trace, just like that. Or maybe Paddock was a Deep State US agent running guns to the Philippines (his girlfriend is Filipina!) because the Deep State can't stand the idea that Rodrigo Duterte is finally cleaning up the drug business in his country by killing everyone.

Then there's Twitter goofball and former James O'Keefe confederate Laura Loomer, who yelled at some Shakespeare actors to save Donald Trump from being murdered. She's busy promoting any wackypants idea that she hears about from her "sources," like the obvious fact that Las Vegas union workers did the killing, because isn't it obvious? "Every office door in the MGM union has a picture of a Muslim woman" taped to it, and the MGM hotels had a union-demanded 10-week vacation to volunteer for the Hillary campaign (yeah, we're pretty sure that happened), so do we have to draw you a picture? So it only makes sense the hotel chain has deleted all the records from "Stephen Paddock's" stay at the Mandalay Bay, according to her inside source (a used copy of the Norton Anthology of English Verse that talks to her at night).

Also, too, there's all the compelling evidence that Stephen Paddock was a man who hated Donald Trump, and shot up a country music concert because country music fans universally love Donald Trump. Heck, Conservative Thought Leaderer and Convicted Felon Dinesh D'Souza thinks that makes a lot of sense:

Pam Geller stepped a bit outside her Muslim-hatin' comfort zone to explain that some guy wearing a pussy hat and a pink NASA tee shirt in a blurry photo of an August rally in Reno just had to be Paddock, because just look: It is an old guy with a beard and... AN UNDETACHED EARLOBE!

ALSO! Stephen Paddock worked for Lockheed Martin, and Lockheed Martin did contracts for NASA, and that's the only possible explanation for why the guy at the Reno protest has a NASA t-shirt. That there is an airtight case if ever we saw one.

This proves conclusively that all blurry photos of old white guys in Nevada are of the same person.

We are just about conspiracied out, so we will only briefly mention the possibilities that the shooting was part of a plot to make all public and private buildings in America buy metal detectors and other security devices, the obvious conclusion that police allowed the mass shooting to happen then shot Paddock to keep him from spilling the beans, that there were multiple shooters, and, obviously, that the mass shooting was really just a small part of a larger plot to nuke Las Vegas that was spoiled by the heroic and timely intervention of Blackwater, which hasn't existed for a decade.

But we certainly are delighted to learn that Idaho congressional candidate (and End Times prophet/prepper) Michael Snyder has been pushing several Las Vegas Conspiracy theories on his website, and even joined Alex Jones to rant about the old guy who wore a pussy hat in Reno just to make Freedom (i.e., the Second Amendment) die:

We really have to find Snyder campaign headquarters and volunteer. Now where's our James O'Keefe pimp suit?

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. Please click here to help us meet payroll and buy a fake mustache kit.

[MediaMatters / Idaho Statesman / RightWingWatch]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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In what seems like a perfectly logical move where corporations are people, MGM International Resorts is suing all the victims of the Las Vegas massacre in federal court. But don't worry -- at least the company isn't seeking damages from them for its own corporate pain and suffering! Instead, the lawsuit is a maneuver to head off liability claims related to the mass shooting last October 1, as is only right and just. All they want is what's coming to them, like immunity from damages and some ill will from consumers, which will no doubt blow over eventually.

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Do-Nothing Republicans Continue Doing Nothing About Traitor Trump

Can you keep a crook in office while not looking crooked yourself?


Monday in Helsinki, Donald Trump stood next to Russian President Vladimir Putin, the official sponsor of Trump's White House reality show, and glibly debased America and its institutions in exchange for a soccer ball, which frankly is more than his soul was ever worth. Republican leaders, defenders of liberty all, strongly condemned the president's actions. House Speaker Paul Ryan went so far as to say, "There's no place for this. [He] should apologize. That's dangerous for our society, that's dangerous for our democracy."

Sorry, no, that was a statement Ryan made when Rep. Maxine Waters suggested citizens personally let members of Trump's cabinet know how much they suck. Ryan's actual statement post-Helsinki reminded me more of the "vaguebooking" your friend posts on social media when their marriage is collapsing.

There is no question that Russia interfered in our election and continues attempts to undermine democracy here and around the world. That is not just the finding of the American intelligence community but also the House Committee on Intelligence. The president must appreciate that Russia is not our ally. There is no moral equivalence between the United States and Russia, which remains hostile to our most basic values and ideals. The United States must be focused on holding Russia accountable and putting an end to its vile attacks on democracy.

"Sometimes you realize you should've listened to your family and friends. You should trust they know what's best for you. It can turn out that your heart was wrong all along."

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