It's always reassuring to get a reminder that people who make laws have no freaking idea how the law actually works. Latest example: one Kirby Delauter, a member of the Frederick County Council in Maryland, who did not like seeing his name used by a local reporter that he'd had some previous beef with. Bethany Rodgers, of the Fredericks News-Post, mentioned Kirby Delauter in a piece about officials' concerns that there wasn't enough parking available for workers at a county building. Here is that reference, which is so brief as to almost not even count as "negligible": "Councilman Kirby Delauter, who is also a former commissioner, has joined Shreve in concern over parking for elected officials." The piece also mentioned that Delauter had asked another county official to make some changes in the parking arrangements.


This was apparently enough to drive Kirby Delauter to apoplexy; in a now-deleted Facebook rant, he exploded at Rodgers:

It is very, very important to understand this: Kirby Delauter was not angry at Bethany Rodgers just because she mentioned him in a story about parking. Kirby Delauter was angry because Bethany Rodgers did not obey his order to never mention his name again after an alleged "hit piece" before the election. The parking don't enter into it. Kirby Delauter made it very clear to her that she was not allowed to use his name any more! This isn't about Kirby Delauter at all. Actually, it's about ethics in naming journalism.

Apparently thinking that she was dealing with a rational human being, Rodgers replied, pointing out that journalists don't need permission to use the names of human beings in their news stories, for real. She even seemed to think that applies to Kirby Delauter, even though he made his wishes known to her! Kirby Delauter, who knows what he imagines are his Constitutional rights, shot back,

Use my name again unauthorized and you'll be paying for an Attorney. Your rights stop where mine start.

Let us just point out, one more time, that this man, Kirby Delauter, plays a role in actually making laws.

Needless to say, the News-Post could hardly let that fastball go sailing over the plate without taking a swing, and Oh, Ye Wonkers, it was a thing of beauty:

The sheer stupidity of Delauter's butthurt caught fire, and now the whole blasted Internet is chanting Kirby Delauter's name without Kirby Delauter's permission, and now there is nothing on Kirby Delauter's Facebook page with a posting date past Novermber 2014. That'll do, Internet. That'll do.

And so Kirby Delauter, by virtue of being a peevish little pillock, has enshrined himself forever in the pantheon of easily-tweaked jerk babies, where he joins the likes of former congressional staffer Liz "Don't call me Liz" Becton -- just don't call her "Liz" -- and former (thankfully!) Tennessee state Sen. (and Wonkette Legislative Shitmuffin of 2013) Stacey Campfield, who was so tired of people making fun of his idiotic pronouncements that he posted a notice on his dumb blog warning that anyone quoting him without permission would have to pay him $1000 a word. We quoted the whole thing and he never even sent us an invoice.

So enjoy your day in the sun, Kirby Delauter! You are truly an example to all American politicians, and here's hoping you keep running your pissflaps. Here's a little present for you, to send out to any journalist who crosses you again:

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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