Where's your whiny-ass weenus coward president, America?

Cool, he's telling governors to arrest and track people and jail them for 10 years. Neat. Bet that makes him feel like a BIG MAN.

Donald Trump held a conference call with the governors this morning, and it was just batshit insane, as he berated them and called them "weak." And why? Because he's scared. Don't know if he did that call from the bunker, hiding under his blanky with a pacifier crammed up his loud butt, but if that's what you're picturing, we can't stop you.


More from the call, as reported by CBS's Ed O'Keefe:

"You're making a mistake because you're making yourselves look like fools," he told the governors at one point. "And some have done a great job. But a lot of you, it's not – it's not a great day for our country."

One participant on the call described the president's words and tone as "unhinged."

"You have to dominate, if you don't dominate you're wasting your time. They're going to run over you. You're going to look like a bunch of jerks. You have to dominate," the president told governors.

sarcastic samantha bee GIF Giphy

On the call, Trump lied and said all the violence is being caused by the "radical Left" and he called the governors "weak" some more and Attorney General Bill Barr was on the call too, Trump said he's going to "activate" Barr "very strongly, like OK, Trump and Bill Barr, get a room. Or a bunker.

Also he wants some big yooge flag-burning laws. Yep.

Anyway, sounds like a totally productive phone call with a totally normal president who hasn't shit his pants more than 25 times in the past 72 hours.

UPDATE: Some audio has leaked. Listen to him raaaaaage and whiiiiiiiine:

We'll add more audio as it becomes available.

Anyway, Speaking Of Bunky Brewster!

As you know by now, the hashtag of the weekend was #BunkerBitch, although we have personally decided to call the president "Bunky Brewster," because it makes us laugh. The point is that he is a chickenshit sadbaby who's got a real big dick when he's hiding behind his Twitter account in the White House bunker, where he reportedly spent much of the weekend, but as with everything with him, it's all talk.

Hey look, here is an exclusive picture of Trump running away to the bunker and crying:

Oops, just kidding, that was another time Trump ran away because he was scared.

The White House turned off the lights last night, as protests raged outside, because he was scared. Many internet-ters were immediately reminded of what happens when they run out of Kit-Kats on Halloween and they turn the lights off and lock the doors.

On top of how Trump is scared, like a sad cornered brainless chicken with no head who just watched Scary Movie and is therefore very scared, Trump has literally nothing of value to say right now. They thought about him doing an Oval Office address to the nation on Sunday, but decided against it, because obviously the part about how he is scared, but he also has no empathy and no coherent thoughts.

The New York Times and the Washington Post competed to see who could get the most embarrassing reporting on old Shaky McShitterPants in the White House bunker this weekend.

Here's the Post:

Never in the 1,227 days of Trump's presidency has the nation seemed to cry out for leadership as it did Sunday, yet Trump made no attempt to provide it.

That was by design. Trump and some of his advisers calculated that he should not speak to the nation because he had nothing new to say and had no tangible policy or action to announce yet, according to a senior administration official.

When it's "by design" that the president is going to stay inside hiding because anything he did would make the problem worse, that is a bad situation for America to be in. We don't have a president right now.

Meanwhile, the thing that cosplays as president decided it'd be better to scream toothlessly on Twitter all weekend about how he's going to declare "antifa" a terrorist organization, because Trump and Bill Barr are lying and calling the white supremacists infiltrating peaceful protests to fuck shit up "antifa." (There may also be some antifa. But there's definitely the white supremacists.) And he tweeted Saturday morning about the Secret Service attacking protesters with "vicious dogs and ominous weapons," after his first night hiding in the bunker.

Our favorite part of this thread of tweets is where Trump said he wasn't scared:

Trump tweets: "Great job last night at the White House by the U.S. @SecretService. They were not only totally professional, but very cool. I was inside, watched every move, and couldn't have felt more safe. They let the "protesters" scream and rant as much as they wanted, but whenever someone got too frisky or out of line, they would quickly come down on them, hard - didn't know what hit them. The front line was replaced with fresh agents, like magic. Big crowd, professionally organized, but nobody came close to breaching the fence. If they had they would have been greated with the most vicious dogs, and most ominous weapons, I have ever seen BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

DC Mayor Muriel Bowser called bullshit on all of that on Twitter:

Muriel Bowser tweet: "While he hides behind his fence afraid/alone, I stand w/ people people exercising their First Amendment Right after the murder of #GeorgeFloyd & hundreds of years of institutional racism. There are no vicious dogs & ominous weapons. There is just a scared man. Afraid/alone ...

The Post reports that the best White house aides have come up with is for maybe Trump to do a Shut The Fuck Up tour, where he'd pretend to listen to black people. Of course, he's incapable of that, so it would just be a photo op, while in reality inside his failed brain he'd be thinking about things he's scared of and how many burnt steaks he wants to eat for afternoon yum-yum time later.

[Aides] want him to embark on a listening tour of sorts to develop constructive ideas, according to a senior administration official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss internal plans.

So yes, in the absence of attempting to sound out some bullshit Oval Office address on the Teleprompter, President Change-My-Diaper is on Twitter. This is from this morning, and no, we don't know what the fuck it means:

Here's another from this morning, where Trump lies and says there were none of his "white supremest" buddies infiltrating protests this weekend, quoting Fox News's Brian Kilmeade, who is perhaps the stupidest person on all of TV.

And this was from yesterday, so we guess Trump was able to tune one of the bunker TVs to TBS or something and catch a "Law & Order" marathon:

Oh wait, that was supposed to be tough and scary? OK, Bunky Brewster.

Trump also retweeted a QAnon militia account yesterday with another ALL-CAPS ONE WORD EXCLAMATION, but Twitter very meanly suspended the user, so if you go to Bunker Baby's Twitter, you can't see what it said. Luckily, JoeMyGod has a screenshot:

Neat.

At press time, the president of the United States was still a scared loser fucking baby, the end.

[Washington Post / CBS News]

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