White House Shocked Everyone Calling Brett Kavanaugh Rapey Like That's A BAD Thing

By now, you've heard Sunday's big breaking news, and it is that Dr. Christine Blasey Ford has come forward as the woman who says that current SCOTUS nominee Brett Kavanaugh drunkenly sexually assaulted her when they were both in high school. He was 17, and she was 15, and she told her lawyer that if he hadn't been so drunk, she thinks he would have successfully raped her. And now, Brett Kavanaugh will (probably) never be allowed to coach little girls' sports teams EVER AGAIN, and there's a halfway decent chance he won't get confirmed to the Supreme Court either. (We want to believe this. We will not actually believe it until we actually see it.)

GOP senators aren't exactly dropping like flies yet, but some of them are saying, "You know? Mayyyyyyyybe we should hear this lady out." And Dr. Ford is reportedly down to testify, even though she's already being doxxed and attacked and called a cunt on the internet and all the rest of the things you'd expect from people who vote for the "family values" party.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Kellyanne Conway actually went on TV and ... agreed with the senators who think we need to hear what this lady has to say? Did we read that correctly?

OK, if Kellyanne Conway is pretending to have a soul right now, and some GOP senators are saying "OK let's hold our horses just a little bit," then the White House must be totally in crisis mode, realizing that Brett Kavanaugh's nomination is now DOA, and they will be telling him to pull out like a horny 17-year-old who refuses to wear a condom in the next 10 days or so, right? RIGHT?

A lawyer close to the White House said the nomination will not be withdrawn.

"No way, not even a hint of it," the lawyer said. "If anything, it's the opposite. If somebody can be brought down by accusations like this, then you, me, every man certainly should be worried. We can all be accused of something."

Yeah, what a terrible precedent to set, if men who allegedly tried to rape a girl when they were 17 can't just get confirmed to the Supreme Court with no questions asked, so they can do the hard judicial work of setting women's rights back 500 years. Of course, we are very curious which "lawyer close to the White House" said that (GIULIANI?), because if it's who we think it might be (GIULIANI?) we think he may not be the best judge of what "we can all" be accused of. (It might not be Rudy Giuliani who said that. There's a good chance it was another lawyer close to the White House who is super-rapey.)

More from the White House, and from Judge Rape Van himself:

The White House issued the same statement on Kavanaugh's behalf that it did last week: "I categorically and unequivocally deny this allegation. I did not do this back in high school or at any time."

Maybe he was just so drunk he doesn't remember. Or maybe he's lying. (Ooh! Ooh! We bet he's lying, because he's a known fucking liar.)

Axios reports that the White House is digging in, basically sending out the same statement this morning, and that the GOP is going to play "hardball" on this, betting that a really good strategy for the midterms would be to piss women off more than they already have in the past two years. The White House also reportedly wants to try out the novel defense "Bitches Be Lyin'." Apparently the original strategy was to push for Dr. Ford to appear before the Senate Judiciary Committee, thinking she'd fade away like a flower when challenged by white male senators telling her to say it to their faces. Unfortunately, she was like "Oh, I'll testify my foot up y'all's asses and then shake my foot around a bunch," so they had to change course.

Also from Axios:

A source close to the process said that if Democrats sink Kavanaugh "we'll just bring in someone more conservative."

YEAH. And then if you sink that nominee, then we'll just nominate Hitler! And when you sink Hitler's nomination, WE'LL PUT SCOTT BAIO ON THE SUPREME COURT, DON'T THINK WE WON'T PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS JUST TO OWN THE LIBS.

It's not that we're shocked at how gross they're being. We're not.

We're shocked at how stupid they are. We guess we shouldn't be shocked by that at this point.

After all, this is the SCOTUS nominee of a man who bragged about grabbing women by the pussy against their wills, who has been credibly accused of sexual assault multiple times, and who protected former White House staffer Rob Porter even after it was revealed that Porter had a history of wife-beating more than one lady. Here, according to the new Bob Woodward book, are some of the president's thoughts on what you do when a woman says you sexually assaulted or harassed her:

"You've got to deny, deny, deny and push back on these women," he told the person, who was not named, Woodward reported. "If you admit to anything and any culpability, then you're dead. That was a big mistake you made. You didn't come out guns blazing and just challenge them. You showed weakness. You've got to be strong. You've got to be aggressive. You've got to push back hard. You've got to deny anything that's said about you. Never admit."

Oh yeah, and according to the New York Times, Donald Trump is so stupid/misogynistic that he still gets mad because he's confused why Alabama's Roy Moore, who was credibly accused of MOLESTING MULTIPLE KIDS, didn't win his election.

Truly, it is a mystery.

Our only hope here is that the White House stays stupid about this as long as possible and wastes so much time and money that it becomes nigh impossible for Trump's next SCOTUS nominee to be confirmed before the midterms.

Considering how stupid these fucking idiots are, we feel pretty good about our chances here.

[Politico / Axios]

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Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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