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Smack dab in the middle of Monday Night F'ball, Disney released the new trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Hits The Snooze Alarm, And Is Late For Work, and there was a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of nerds hurriedly grabbed the DVR remote and watched it again and again. Coincidental to the rejoicing, we also learned that a splinter faction of idiot racist clones (possibly composed of genetic material from the Death Star's trash-compacter worm grafted onto human DNA) had launched a Twitter effort to "#BoycottStarWarsVII". But they have a really good reason! There are too many dusky-hued people in the movie, you see, and so it's "promoting white genocide." This came as quite a surprise to us, as we weren't even aware that Coruscant had a chapter of the League of the South.

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It is, needless to say, a deeply stupid argument, as a sampling of the tweets makes clear:

Not surprisingly, the Nerd Backlash was swift and funny:

What you did there, see it I do

And as the always hilarious David Futrelle points out at We Hunted the Mammoth, none of this was really about Star Wars at all, this isn't a real "boycott," and most of these idiots probably can't "tell a sarlacc from a hole in the ground." Nah, the whole point, as the Twits readily acknowledged, is about hitching their loathsome ideology to a big name cultural phenomenon so they can get publicity, and possibly even two or three new adherents:

Of course, if there's a bad idea out there in the zeitgeist, you can pretty much bet that Award-Winning Journalist Chuck C. Johnson will glom onto it, and by golly, he did, with a vengeance, in a column that seems remarkably idiotic even for him, until you remember that everything he writes feels like it's sounding entirely new depths of stupidity.

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You know that this is a thing that Chuckles worked hard to produce, straining his lower abdominal muscles, since instead of the usual headline tag "BREAKING!" it starts with "ANALYSIS," so Robot Jesus help us, he put some thought into it. And just look how hard he tries at being provocative!

Is the very white Star Wars being culturally appropriated by the Jewish J. J. Abrams? [...]

The racial politics of Star Wars have been talked about for some time.

The mulatto Lando Calrissian betrays our heroes before he is redeemed. Mace Windu is essentially a nonentity in the earlier episodes. Jar Jar Binks, who is voiced by a black man, is similarly irrelevant though I’ll note that it’s Binks’s vote that gives us the Empire. Huh.

Why, yes, everyone sure was outraged by that mulatto Lando. Funny, the racial politics dust-up we remember was the griping by liberals that Jar-Jar talked like a character from a minstrel show and that the Trade Federation bug guys sounded like extras from a Charlie Chan movie.

If we believed Chuck C. Johnson was smart enough to even do irony, we'd be tempted to think he's taking the piss throughout the column, what with smart observations like this:

  • Star Trek is a productive of a white America whether or not we want to accept it. The action figures that made George Lucas a billionaire were purchased by suburban white families.
  • It was white and Jewish-American nerds that put us into space and yet it’s Guatemalan-born (Oscar Isaac), Mexico-born Kenyan (Lupita Nyong’o), and the British-born white girl (Daisy Ridley) and the British-born Nigerian (John Boyega) who get to fight for the Rebel Alliance.

    None of these countries even have a space program.

  • Is it an accident that the most iconic of the Star Wars characters, Han Solo (Harrison Ford), that archetype Westerner, is an American? Of course it isn’t. Mark Hamill is American. So too is Princess Leia’s Carrie Fisher. James L. Jones, the voice of Darth Vader, is a black American.

    Space belongs to the people smart enough to invent rockets and indoor plumbing. It belongs to a frontier people, thank you very much. And now the frontier is flooded with the Third World, drowning out the ambitions of those white nerds.

Yr Doktor Zoom likes to mix up the Star Wars and the Star Trek for larffs, but we're pretty sure that for Johnson, it's more of a brain fart. But ... Han Solo is an AMERICAN? In a story that takes place in a galaxy FAR FAR AWAY?

Also, James L. (???) Jones? Poe's Law is strong with this one. We're entirely willing to believe that Chuck C. Johnson is in fact this stupid, based on his entire corpus of work, but dear Christ, if someone wanted to argue that he's actually engaged in a multi-year performance art portrayal of the Stupidest Man on the Internet, this post would make excellent evidence.

Also, too, no matter how you slice it, those little glowing hilt extensions on Kylo Ren's lightsaber look stupid, stupid, stupid, and are destined to be as notorious as the omnipresent lens flares in J.J. Abrams's Star Trek reboot. It's probably a Jewish plot to make Christianity look bad!

Update: An ubernerd has written to correct our sword terminology, and even included a helpful illustration:

they are not "hilt extensions" on the light sabre

they would be what on a sword is called the "guard"

you really should change that, for such a nerdy post

Point taken, but that is actually what we are complaining about -- how on Remulac are those little mini-lasery things supposed to "guard" anything? In a fast-paced duel, they'd be just as likely to slice into the user as to stop another lightsaber, so we say they're hilt extensions and we say the hell with it.

[The Mary Sue / We Hunted the Mammoth / GotNews]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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