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Florida: The only godforsaken place on Earth where -- on baseball’s Opening Day -- you can have a rain delay in a stadium that has a fucking roof:


Congratulations to the Miami Marlins on finding a way to stop their first game of the season with a rain delay, despite having a stadium with a roof. They are pioneers. Pioneers who didn’t close their roof.

Better yet: Because this is a stadium with a fucking roof, the grounds crew really had no equipment to deal with a drenched field.

See, in South Florida, afternoon/early evening rainstorms are an everyday affair; you can set your clock by them. Which is why the good taxpayers of Miami spent a bajillion fucking dollars to build a (perpetually empty) stadium with a roof on it. Except the Marlins president checked with his phone’s weather app and decided that the big dark clouds on the horizon weren’t anything worth worrying about.

Major Crimes

In Florida, we take crime very, very seriously. Especially heinous crimes perpetuated by Young Thugs. To wit:

Eight-grader Domanik Green was arrested on felony charges in Holiday, Fla. Wednesday after breaking into his teacher’s computer to change the background picture to two men kissing.

And how was he able to break into Teach’s computer?

Green, 14, who was released the day of his arrest, said that he broke into the computer of teacher he didn’t like after realizing that faculty members’ passwords were simply their last names, the Tampa Bay Times reports.

Rest assured, citizens, the cops are taking this crime Very Seriously.

“Even though some might say this is just a teenage prank, who knows what this teenager might have done,” Sheriff Chris Nocco told the Tampa Bay Times Thursday.

One of the computers Green “hacked” contained encrypted 2014 Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test (FCAT) questions, although the police say he didn’t view those files.

Speaking of those standardized tests — the brain child of former governor Jeb Bush, your next president/Middle East war maker — it turns out the children of our state, who have not been alive long enough to marinate in The Stupid, are not happy about them.

Meet Sydney Smoot, a 9-year-old fourth grader in Hernando County, Fla., who has more confidence than many adults. Smoot wrote (with help from her mom) and powerfully delivered (all by herself) a speech about Florida’s new standardized test, the FSA, or Florida Standards Assessment that drew loud applause from the audience.

As you can guess, Sydney Smoot isn’t happy with having to take the FSA, the state-mandated assessment Florida paid a private company to create in place of a Common Core test the state was originally planning to give until it dropped the Common Core State Standards.

Yes, Florida is too dumb to create its own tests. Read some of young Sydney's wisdom:

Here are my concerns. First of all, I do not feel good about a form on the FSA that you have to sign assuring that you can’t even discuss the test with your parents. I am not comfortable signing something like this. I have the right to talk to my parents about any and everything related to school and my education.

But it’s a Top Secret test, kid. Trade secrets. Welcome to life under your new corporate overlords.

Drunk, Hormonal Teenage Bros and Glocks: What Could Go Wrong?

So there’s this brilliant idea percolating in the Florida Legislature, where The Stupid has marinated for a good, long while, to let state university students carry handguns on campus, because you never know when they might encounter a blah person and have to George Zimmerman his ass. Strangely, the state’s university police chiefs are not fans, because they do not love guns enough.

The Second Amendment fondlers are reacting exactly as you’d expect:

A Florida gun-rights group says it has filed ethics complaints against 10 university police chiefs … related to their willingness to testify against “guns on campus” legislation. … Florida Carry, a gun-rights group that supports the bill, filed a complaint with the Florida Ethics Commission alleging that the police chiefs should have registered as lobbyists if they were going to take a position on legislation while in their official capacity as state employees.

Oh, Hai, Skeletor, Missed You!

There once was a Florida Man who posted Beatles song lyrics on his blog to make fun of our bond villain of a governor. Rick “Skeletor” Scott’s state police agents were fucking ON IT:

In theory, the Florida Department of Law Enforcement is the state’s elite equivalent of the FBI. In theory, the agency saves its resources for investigating the most serious crimes. Yet in the Bizarro World created by Gov. Rick Scott, almost nothing in government operates the way it was meant to. Recently the FDLE dispatched an agent to investigate a blogger who had used Beatles lyrics to poke fun at the governor.

The song was not The Fool on the Hill, an obvious choice. Nor was it Mean Mr. Mustard, or Baby, You’re a Rich Man, or Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey.

The number in question was the benign and spacey Magical Mystery Tour, from the 1967 album of the same name. It was quoted in a Google Plus post by Daniel Tilson, a Democratic activist and frequent critic of Scott.

Tilson was making fun of a dumb online tax cut calculator the governor had posted, in which the average Florida Man will learn that he will pocket an extra $43 a year to spend on bath salts while our schools crumble and our beaches sink into the sea, thanks Rick Scott!

“Gov. Scott’s Magical Mystery Tax Cut Calculator,” Tilson called it, adding a line from the original Lennon-McCartney song: Coming to take you away, take you away...”

Some person at FDLE (an “analyst,” the agency said) eyeballed those words on Tilson’s blog and perceived a potential threat to the governor. Could somebody be plotting to take him away, take him away...?

And so the goons were dispatched.

A few things of note: A) Someone uses Google Plus? B) The FDLE pays people to monitor Google Plus? C) You may remember that Rick Scott removed the head of the FDLE for not helping out his campaign and other sins. (There are lawsuits about that, of course.) And then he installed some new lackey to do his bidding, and that lackey says he “believes FDLE could have better evaluated the post.”

You don’t say.

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Gov. Scott was also in the news this week for deciding that, now that that pesky election is behind him, he can be all, fuck it, let’s shit on the poor a little bit, why not. After having come out in favor of some form of Medicaid expansion a couple of years ago — an effort to not appear cretinous, which of course failed — and having been rebuked by the insaner-than-him legislature, our Medicare-Scammer-in-Chief has decided that eh, who needs it? Oh sure, poor people are dying, but WE NEED TAX CUTS.

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The Lord Spake Unto Dennis Baxley

Speaking of dickbag legislators, meet prince-of-a-human-being Dennis Baxley, a funeral planner and Jesus humper of the first order. Baxley had previously voiced support for a bill currently making its way through the Legislature to strike from state statute a law banning The Gays from adoption, which was ruled unconstitutional several years ago. But then, you know, he had a chat with The Lord, and The Lord assured him that He still disapproved of The Gay, which means Baxley can continue to disapprove of The Gay, even when the courts have said, no, you can’t really do that:

Speaking in various radio interviews last week, state Rep. Dennis Baxley (R) explained that after initially supporting the bill, he prayed on it and decided that he had to reverse his vote because he couldn’t affirm homosexuality. “If you get it wrong you need to own it and you need to seek forgiveness, and that’s where I’ve been with this,” he said.

“I don’t hate anybody. I don’t want to discriminate against anybody. I’m not phobic, but I simply can’t affirm homosexuality. My compass won’t go there, knowing what I know biblically. And so I ask people to please understand the circumstances.” Baxley said that his sin was resigning himself to the idea that the issue had been lost in the courts already.

Please understand his circumstances! Related: Last week the state House of Representatives passed a bill that would allow adoption agencies to reject gay couples, because Gay and also Jesus, as long as they have a Sincerely Held Religious Belief™.

The Lord Spake Unto These Guys, Too

As we Wonksplained at you earlier this week, The Almighty hath cast His gaze upon the sea of crazy people running for president of the United States of Jesus, and decided that the crazy of Ben Carson and Ted Cruz and Bobby Jindal was not sufficient, and thus He bestowed upon us Terry Jones, our favorite Koran-burner.

Koran-burning anti-Obama pastor Terry Jones is to run for the US presidency as a fringe candidate for the second time. Jones, who heads the group Stand Up America Now, was a self-declared independent in the 2012 election and is also listed as a candidate for 2016. The Politico website has him down as a fringe “front-runner” for the campaign’s most controversial candidate.

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The Lord also took a break from His busy schedule to help a Florida preacherman achieve the nationwide renown he so desperately desires, because The Lord answers prayers:

Meet Pastor Bill Lytell of the Gospel Baptist Church in Bonita Springs, Florida. He’s got a pretty fab new insight into how God wants things to work: Men should always be the boss of ladies, and not ever the other way around, because of God’s mighty penis and the hefty testicles of Adam, Moses, and Jesus (make no mistake though, they all lived at different times, and therefore their weighty mansacks never touched, so no homo).

Lytell was pretty jazzed about all the great publicity the church got last month when a 9-year-old boy — a pre-man, if you will — found a loaded gun in the church’s bathroom and brought it home with him, because of all the exposure the news story gave to the church’s “Male Leadership” sign.

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That sign, in case you were wondering:

Allow us to be the first to call it: Bill Lytell 2020! (It’ll happen right after he does away with that dumb suffrage amendment, because Walking Uteruses cannot be trusted with the vote.)

That’s it for this week, Florida. Remember, bros (with guns!) before hoes.

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